Renaissance Woman

For Desire - by Kim Addonizio

2011-06-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

Give me the strongest cheese, the one that stinks best;
and I want the good wine, the swirl in crystal
surrendering the bruised scent of blackberries,
or cherries, the rich spurt in the back
of the throat, the holding it there before swallowing.

Give me the lover who yanks open the door
of his house and presses me to the wall
in the dim hallway, and keeps met here until I'm drenched
and shaking, whose kisses arrive by the boatload
and being their delicious diaspora
through the cities and small towns of my body.

To hell with the saints, with martyrs
of my childhood meant to instruct me
in the power of endurance and faith,
to hell with the next world and its pallid angels
swooning and sighing like Victorian girls.

I want this world. I want to walk into
the ocean and feel it trying to drag me along
like I'm nothing but a broken bit of scratched glass,
and I want to resist it. I want to go
staggering and flailing my way
through the bars and back rooms,
through the gleaming hotels and weedy
lots of abandoned sunflowers and the parks
where dogs are let off their leashes
in spite of the signs, where they sniff each
other and roll together in the grass, I want to lie
lie down somewhere and suffer for love until
it nearly kills me, and then I want to get up again
and put on that little black dress and wait
for you, yes you, to come over here
and get down on your knees and tell me
just how fucking good I look.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - Donald Miller

2010-03-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

“People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen.”

"You become like the people you interact with. And if your friends are living boring stories, you probably will, too." - p. 160

"It's like this when you live a story: The first part happens fast. You throw yourself into the narrative and you're finally out in the water; the shore is pushing off behind you and the trees are getting smaller. The distant shore doesn't seem so far, and you can feel the resolution coming... You think the thing is going to happen fast, that you'll paddle for a bit and arrive on the other side by lunch. But the truth is, it isn't going to be over soon...

I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. Bu they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees ahead are getting bigger. They take it out on their spouses, and they go looking for an easier story". - p. 177-179

Altars in the World - Barbara Brown Taylor

2009-06-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

"We receive enlightenment only in promotion as we give ourselves more and more completely to God by humble submission and love. We do not first see, then act: we act, then see. And that is why the man who waits to see clearly, before he will believe, never starts on the journey." - Thomas Merton

"Most heresies come from espousing one opposite at the expense of another. Uncomfortable with paradox, Christians tend to tilt in one direction or the other, usually with disastrous consequences." - Philip Yancey in "Living with Furious Opposites" from "Christianity Today"

p. 6-7 "The problem is, many of the people in need of saving are in churches, and at least part of what they need saving from is the idea that God sees the world the same way they do. What if the gravel of the parking lot looks as promising to God as the floorboards of the church? What if a lost soul strikes God as more reachable than a lifelong believer? What if God can drop a ladder absolutely anywhere, with no regard for the religious standards developed by those who have made it their business to know the way to God?"

p. 44-45 "'Do this,' he said - not believe this but do this - 'in remembrance of me'... Duke ethicist Stanley Hauerwas [says]... Christianity 'is not a set of beliefs or doctrines one believes in order ot be a Christian... but rather Christianity is to have one's body shaped, one's habits determined, in such a way that the worship of God is unavoidable.' ... the last thing any of us need is more information about God. We need the practise of incarnation, by which God saves the lives of those whose intellectual assent has turned as dry as dust, who have run frighteningly low on the bread of life, who are dying to know more God in their bodies. Not more about God. More God."

p. 116 "In a world where the paid work that people do does not always feed their hearts, it seems important to leave open the possibility that our vocations may turn out to be the things we do for free."

p. 124 "I know you do not sleep well. It does not make any sense, since you are exhausted, but the fact is that it is very hard for your body to go from fifth gear to off just because you say so - at least not without a little pharmaceutical help. It is hard to watch the eleven o'clock news with your heart wide open, letting in the misery of neighbors near and far, and then sleep soundly through the night. It is hard to dream rejuvenating dreams or sink into those deep-sea delta brain waves when you keep waking up at three o'clock - what is it about that hour? - to think about how man y unanswered e-mails you have in your inbox, how much money you owe on your credit cards, or how odd your heartbeat sounds all of a sudden."

Wendell Berry

2009-05-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

I've long loved Berry, particularly his poetry and beautifully challenging exposes on nature and our responsibility in the world. His novel, "Jayber Crow", may not be my favorite book of his, but it's a work of layers and depth nonetheless.

"My questions were still with me, but for the time being anyhow they weren't crying out to be answered. I wasn't yet as free as I was going to become, but I knew that I was freer than I had ever been before". - Chapter 7

"The sermons, mostly, were preached on the same theme I had heard over and over... We must lay up treasures in Heaven and not be lured and seduced by this world's pretty and tasty things that do not last but are like the flower that is cut down. The preachers were always young students from the seminary who wore, you might say, the mantle of power but not the mantle of knowledge... You couldn't learn those things in a school. They went to school... to learn to say over and over again, regardless of where they were, what had already been said too often. They learned to have a very high opinion of God and a very low opinion of His works...

To them, the church did not exist in the world where people earn their living and have their being, but rather in the world where they fear death and Hell, which is not not much of a world... the young preachers knew Port William only as it theoretically was ('lost') and as it theoretically might be ('saved'). And they wanted us all to do our part to spread this bad news to others who had not heard it - the Catholics, the Hindus, the Muslims, the Buddhists, and the others - or else they (and maybe we) would go to Hell. I did not believe it. They made me see how cut off I was. Even when I was sitting in the church, I was a man outside.

Those world-condemning sermons were preached to people who, on Sunday mornings would be wearing the prettiest clothes... While wickedness of the flesh was preached from the pulpit, the young husbands and wives and the courting couple sat thigh to thigh, full of yearning and joy, and the old people thought of the beauty of the children. And when church was over they would go home to Heavenly dinners of fried chicken... and hot biscuits and butter and cherry pie and buttermilk. And the preacher and his family would always be invited to eat with somebody... and the preacher, having just foresworn on behalf of everybody the joys of the flesh, would eat with unconsecrated relish." - Chapter 15

Growing Older Gracefully

2009-03-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

A beautiful book, here are just a few choice quotes from my reading:

"The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully" - Joan Chittister ACCOMPLISHMENT
"Scientists have discovered that older people, while not as quick computationally as younger people, do think just as well as the young, but differently - with more depth, with more reflection, with more philosophical awareness... the difference between between the quickness of a computer game and the quality of a logician. The young produce ideas in rapid quantity, but often without form or figure. Older people might reflect on the very same data younger people do, but instead of manipulating it, tend to reduce it to concepts."
TRANSFORMATION
"...the number of absolutes in my life [are] precipitously reduced. I'm a lot less dogmatic now about the nature of God. I'm not as sure as I once was about what is gravely damning and what is not. Most important of all, I am happy to put that decision in the hands of the God whose nature seems far more compassionate now - as I have gotten more compassionate myself."
LEARNING
"...Harvard University longitduinal Study of Adult Development... says, [constantly learning] makes the difference between healthy and unhealthy aging. It determines the degree to which life will be satisfying to us, as well as the degree to which we will be interesting, valuable, life-giving to others."
IMMEDIACY
"There are temptations for the elderly... that are particularly deluding because they sound so sensible while they are increasingly destructive. 'I'm too tired tonight...' we learn to say early in the aging process. But the others go on to the show or the party or the civic event, without us. 'She's older now and can't do these things,' they say. We teach them to ignore us and then wonder how it happened."
THE PRESENT
"There is no time to waste anymore. The now is no longer one moment on the way to another one. It is everything there is to life. When we learn to sink into the moment with that much passion, that much pure, unadulterated sensuousness, we finally learn to be alive."

Kitschy goodnes at Joe's of Westlake with J&J

2009-03-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

Currently watching: Marked Woman starring Bette Davis

Oscar Party 2009

2009-02-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

About 20 of us... and yet more good times.

Currently reading: Fork It Over: The Intrepid Adventures of a Professional Eater - Alan Richman

Winter Cocktail Event with Scott Beattie

2009-02-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

Photo: Bleeding Orange (topped with foam, edible lavender flowers, grilled & candied Rangpur limes)

Taking a Winter Cocktail class at the Ferry Plaza Building through CUESA was exciting because lead by artisanal cocktail master, Scott Beattie, from Healdsburg's Cyrus (I wrote about it in The Perfect Spot). Besides getting educated on how to make gorgeous foams, rims and syrups, Dan and I got to imbibe and make three cocktails, the beauty of the day in taste and presentation being the Bleeding Orange, found in his book. Topped with edible flowers and a candied or a slow-roasted Rangpur lime from Scott's back yard, the drink was Charbay Blood Orange and Meyer Lemon vodkas with fresh-squeezed Meyer lemon, blood orange, Fee Bros peach bitters and homemade simple syrup of nutmeg, allspice, cinnamon.

Currently watching: The Catherine Cookson Collection: The Moth

Italia

2009-02-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

A fluffy read, Frances Mayes' "Bella Tuscany", still is a poetic ode to my Italy, where I've traveled three times yet ever craving another trip, a long residence, a second home... I share her reflections:

"[Arriving in Venice]: I am knocked silent. The beauty does not just pass before your eyes. It ravishes. I begin to feel the elation a traveler experiences when in the presence of a place supremely itself."

"Growing up in a small town, I felt the tight bit about my mouth. I couldn't wait to leave. The pull of cities was strong. I remember, however, a slight pull, too, toward life far in the country... What rings you out and, truly, what rinses you with happiness? What comes from my own labor and creativity, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it, stays close to the natural joy we all were born with and carry always. Mystic, Georgia, was not for me. I would have been hell on wheels by thirty. Oddly, oddly, I probably could live a happy, sensuous life there now."

"Life would be different if you grew up bouncing your ball against the wall of the Orvieto cathedral... In Italy, it would be curious not to be intimate with art. You grow up here surrounded by beauty, thinking beauty is natural. Art always has been outside, something I appreciated, loved, sought, but something not exactly natural. American towns often are void of art and are often actively ugly. In schools, art is usually a luxury which falls with no thud when the budget ax swings. Art, music, poetry - natural pleasures we were born to love - are expendables, fancy extras, so very non-binary. The unnaturalness comes, too, from the hushed atmosphere of museums, where most of us experience art. In Italy, so much art is in churches... Art and the mass come not from on high, but with a familial attitude."

"If you settle in, even for two weeks, live in a house not a hotel, and you buy figs and soap a the local places, sit in cafes and restaurants, go to a local concert or church service, you cannot help but open to the resonance of a place and the deeper you go, the stranger the people become because they're like you and they're not...
It can be dangerous to travel. A strong reflecting light is cast back on 'real life', sometimes a disquieting experience. Sometimes you go to the far interior and who knows what you might find there? ... But the passionate traveler looks for something... Something must change you... Change - the transforming experience - is part of the quest of traveling...
Often we take America with us. How can we not, being thoroughly products of our culture? We see what we know how to see... we are wary everywhere of being robbed and mugged. We fear the violence of America everywhere...
Travel can reinforce the primitive urge to bring the new into the circle of the known. I went to Pasadena... and walking around on a perfect day, I saw Starbucks, Banana Republic, the Gap, Williams Sonoma, Il Fornaio - all the high-end chains with identical merchandise in dozens of other cities... Nothing happened to me. And yet, surely if I'd stayed longer than a day, there are layers of Pasadena.... In America, with franchises and TV pouring their solvents over us by the second, you have to look longer and harder. In Italy, it's easier."

Currently watching: Brief Encounter - Criterion Collection

Revolutionary Road

2009-01-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

"Revolutionary Road", the film and especially the book, are haunting me. I've been awake into the night unable to put the book down. Richard Yates is a writer with a direct voice that penetrates bulls--t. The concept of the story could sound "done" yet he expresses it as fresh and unique. A tragic, depressing ending to be sure, but that's not what I come away with.

I am struck by the image of the few turning points in life when we have the chance to do something different, to not "settle" or take a safe, expected route. Not because one path versus another in and of itself is the answer but because to not make the most alive choice in any given moment is to slowly lose pieces of our truest self, of our childhood dreams that signal more about who we really are than all our adult goals and "have-to's". I think the little daily compromises are what lead to the bigger ones. Some we have to make, but they do add up over time, until we've lost so much of our true self, we cannot find it again... or it takes years of work to get back.

To stay awake and alive requires constant work and effort. Being my life's goal and mission to do just that for myself, and thus for others, I know full well it's an ongoing struggle. But what haunts in this simple story is the cost for not doing it. Not necessarily meaning the dramatized ending, but the cost to our souls. No matter the difficulties, when I am alive, even in sadness or pain, I am ultimately happy. I feel ecstasy and agony down to my fingertips, pulsing through my veins. The gift of life created in me, gives me the freedom to, in turn, create.

May I never take it for granted, settle or walk the expected path just because it is the expected path. May I fight for what is real, even when it hurts. To commit, as I have in many areas, to the reality of daily life and relationships, yes. But never to stop reaching for what my soul cries out for, what makes me come alive (as both Dan and I are committed to). To look for beauty and make it a part of my life no matter the routine. To make time to listen to the inner, deeper urgings, which I believe, come from the Creator. And, most of all, to say "yes" to them.

Currently listening: Dear Science - TV on the Radio

Hollow

2009-01-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

Hollow is a closet-sized, darling new cafe in the Inner Sunset (Irving near 15th). I spent the morning there, journaling, staring out the window, reading as I sipped Ritual coffee and heard Sarah McLachlan playing (how's that for 'ancient' memories when I was 19-20 and couldn't get enough of "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy")!?

Later, after a sushi lunch with my dear Manka and Karen, I brought them back to Hollow for more coffee and a long, liberating talk on where we come from, why we are forever joined to that and why we are not, how we're uniquely ourselves, made for freedom. In this little nook of bird baths, candles, chocolate truffles and friendly warmth, I sensed hints of restoration... in areas I've been talking about with my Spiritual Director for ages. Restoration that heals the wounds of old days and births them into something new.

Currently watching: HBO's "John Adams" miniseries

Rooftop Cocktails

2009-01-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

In this balmy, gorgeous January we are experiencing, Dan and I threw a spontaneous Italian pasta, lounge music, cocktail night (Negronis, anyone?) As the sun set, we lingered on our rooftop with friends, taking in the peachy hue of a warm, city night. Lights began to coyly twinkle, air inhabited our lungs and warmed our skin. Smiles on each face. Savoring the grace of Spring in the midst of Winter.

Currently watching: Fellini's "8 1/2"

Berlin and Beyond Film Festival

2009-01-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

Last night as I went for free (thank you, work!) to the opening night of the Berlin & Beyond Film Festival to see the German film, "Kirschbluten" (or "Cherry Blossoms"), I was hit with images and emotions that stay with me, especially the image of Mt. Fuji emerging from the mist. Old age, loneliness and compromise are presented along with rebirth, restoration and awakening. The film reminds that even at an older age, it's never too late to re-awaken to your dreams, to creativity and connection... but it's also about how much we miss out on until we do.

Currently reading: Insecure at Last: A Political Memoir By Eve Ensler

I blaze forth in peace

2009-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

I journaled this in Spring of 2007, but it holds true now, hinting at my state these days:

Peace invades my life of striving
in the hurried rush of my mind
comes calm

Soothing waters rolling over my turbulent sea
and I am at rest

Still
Nothing but to be
no need to prove to you or to me

Earning is not possible
measuring worth, a joke

I flow with this calming stream
realizing it was always there

But other boats ran my waters
invaded my shores
demanded right of passage

One by one
I've denied them entrance
to now make way for what I need

and thus the passageways have begun to clear
horizons, widened
all in the name of freedom

Won by pain
effort
loss
and waiting
Most of all, by surrender

I see its approaching, no longer fearing, this freedom
It's claiming me for its own
and I blaze forth in peace

Currently reading:Finding Our Way Again: The Return of the Ancient Practices - Brian D. McLaren

Acedia & Me

2008-12-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

From my 12/19 post about favorite books of the year, this one has been the most impactful, Kathleen Norris' "Acedia and Me". Here are just some of the thought-provoking passages for me:

Chapter 7
"Simone Weil... declared that Hitler's rise to power would be inconceivable without 'the existence of millions of uprooted [people]' who could not be roused to care about anything except their immediate circumstances... our failure to acknowledge our inner blockages can make us incapable of recognizing the blockages we have created in the culture... we come to assume that these conditions - injustice, poverty, perpetual conflict - are inevitable, the only possible reality, and lose our ability to imagine that there are other ways of being, other courses of action.

Wendell Berry laments the extent to which economics has been elevated to a position that God once held... We have come to 'treat economic laws of supply & demand' as though they were' the laws of the universe'. If there is a religion that encompasses all the world, it is the pursuit of wealth.

True sloths are not revolutionaries, [but] 'the lazy guardians at the gate of the status quo'."

Chapter 8
"One great difference between these monks and today's pop psychologists is that the monks' process of discernment was likely to result in more self-knowledge, less self-consciousness. In our day, this is often reversed. People whose speech remains stuck in therapeutic jargon, for all the 'work' they are doing on themselves, often remain stubbornly unreflective. Even if they can catalogue their neuroses with great facility, they seem stuck within them.

Carmelite Ruth Burrows... regards any authentic religious experience as entailing 'a slow, demanding generosity,' one that does not short-circuit within us but flows outward naturally, until what we believe becomes what we do.

... 'What is integrity?'... 'Always to accuse [oneself]'.

By 'selfish' I do not mean observing the basic care of the self, knowing when to retreat, to hunker down in waiting out a storm... I may need 'time out'. I may need to 'cocoon'. But a cocoon is effective only as a means of change."

Chapter 9
"... my husband and I have benefited on several occasions from marriage counseling, I have found therapy to be of limited usefulness, constrained in ways that religion is not, because it consistently falls short of mystery, by which I mean a profound simplicity that allows for paradox and poetry.

Anthony of the Desert once said that a true prayer is one you don't understand."

Chapter 10
"To keep romantic relationship alive, one must be mindful enough to recognize the danger signs of inattention and sloth... Over time we found the accumulation of shared experiences provided us with a storehouse of memory that helped bear the worst of circumstances."

Chapter 11
"For me, the most basic definition of sin - to comprehend that something is wrong, and choose to do it anyway - is still the most useful. It frees me from the narcissism of fretting over my more trivial failings, even as it forces me to admit to those actions that have hurt others.

As I experience the repeated ebb and flow, the danger is that I will grow weary and more easily discouraged, unable to appreciate that grace is real, and as available to me, as acedia.

How might I be solid as a wall yet alive with movement? How might I build on all that I have learned yet not resist new challenges and transitions? Two vows that are unique to the Benedictines are of use to me here, the vows of stability and conversion.

We live our lives not at the end, but... in the interval between birth and death... There is good psychological basis for the impulse, borne out in many of the world's religions, to pray in the morning, at noon, and at night, at the hinges of time, when we might be most open to God but are also susceptible to acedia and its attendant despairs. The psalmist asks us to place our hope in a God who will not grow weary of watching over us at these risky moments, who will 'guard [our] going and coming/both now and for ever' (Psalm 121:8).

'Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,/ they shall mount up with wings like eagles'... [Hope] is an action... To hope is to make a leap, to jump from where you are to someplace better. If you can imagine it, and dare to take that leap, you can go there - no matter how hopeless your situation may appear..."

Chapter 12
"One of Saint Benedict's 'tools for good works' is to 'day by day remind yourself that you are going to die' (Rule 4:47).'

Commitment always costs, and there is a particular burden in loving another person, if for no other reason than the fact that this beloved will one day die."

Chapter 14
"... the word transition cannot convey my struggle with the rigors of grief, a residual exhaustion from years of steadily increasing adversity, and the promptings of acedia to respond to all of this by not caring...

The monks and mystics of my faith all teach that persevering in a spiritual discipline, especially when it seem futile, is the key to growth.

... it is one thing to pray when you feel like it, and another to make it as much a part of you as breathing... 'we don't always have to say a prayer, we can live out a prayer'.

'... God is trying to get us to accept a state where we have no assurance within that all is well... where no clear path lies before us, where there is no way...' Only when we admit that have 'no way' do we have any hope of finding one. Out of what seems desolate a newly vigorous faith can arise, a certainty that is not subject to change in moods or feelings, or the vicissitudes of life.

People often remark that they would write, or paint, or sculpt, if only they had the time. But this is pure fantasy: the artist does whatever is necessary to arrange her life so that she will have the time to write.

... my sadness increases as I am less able to see the world as I know it to be: ablaze with significance, potent with meaning. Yet I know that even if I am too exhausted to see them, the images, correspondences, connections, and metaphors that would free me are there, to be discovered, and to live as a poet means not to abandon my search for them. Such insights may come as gifts, but it is the prepared and fertile heart not the one dulled by acedia, that is best able to receive them."

Kierkegaard in "Either/Or": "I would wish not for wealth or power but for the passion of possibility, for the eye, eternally young, eternally ardent, that sees possibility everywhere."

Currently watching: Young@Heart (2008)

the way of incarnation and transformation

2008-12-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

Some good thoughts in Brian McLaren's recent, "Finding Our Way Again"...

p. 58 "Had I been forced to choose between remaining a traditional member of the Plymouth Brethren plus nothing for the rest of my whole life or dropping out of church, I would probably be a dropout today, because as grateful as I am for my heritage, it lacked breathing room. As I drifted away from the brethren nest, I went through a few experiences of what I call a 'lateral conversion', meaning I became a card-carrying Calvinist for a while, and then an amalgam of both, holding to each tradition's practices with the same proprietary zeal with which the Brethren had taught me to hold to Brethrenism, with no learning or borrowing from others. Eventually, I felt the same claustrophobia in my new traditions, so instead of converting to yet another tradition to which I would adhere in the same way I adhered to my original tradition, I converted to a different way of holding traditions in general."

p. 69-71 "...the kind of person who wants to participate in the healing of the world is very different from the kind of person who wants to leave this world behind so she can go to a better one... by making heaven after this life the destination of our way, we are spiritually forming people who run away from fire, disease, and the violence of our world. That's certainly a major step up from forming pyromaniacs, disease vectors, or violent delinquents. But it's not as good as what Jesus set out to do... Jesus was more like a firefighter or doctor or social worker who walks boldly into the danger in order to try to stop it. If a healed and healthy earth is your destination, the way to that goal promotes involvement, engagement, risk, and participation. If the earth is a lost cause to you, then you will... choose the way of withdrawal, isolation, self-protection, and self-distancing. By choosing one destination, you will follow the way of incarnation and transformation; by choosing the other... you choose evacuation and abdication."

p. 126 "The rising numbers of church dropouts don't want to be part of a flat spiritual malformation community. In a sense, they agree with the apostles Paul & James, whom we quoted earlier: it's simply better for aspiring disciples not to gather with those who have lost their way, because by joining them and unconsciously learning from their misguided example, aspiring disciples learn malpractices that take them further and further away from the way of Jesus Christ."

p. 134 [In referring to all the Christians who fought for abolition of slavery despite the church's universal acceptance of it at the time - "most churches defended slavery as being God-ordained"] "... Margaret Middleton, wife of a naval officer... She was a consummate networker, an undervalued hero in Christian history. This circle became safe space to think, dream, and conspire for justice regarding the slave trade. Their little circle connected with a larger circle of Quakers who had heard God call them, in a time of contemplative silence, to oppose slavery... Their fledgling movement grew in the spaces between the institutional structures of their day, not within the structures themselves."

p. 145 "The Gospels weren't written until decades after the events they described transpired-perhaps because Jesus created such vitality and foment that it took decades for anyone to have time to catch their breath and write down what had gone on. Similarly, the Epistles are hardly histories of the early church, but rather literary artifacts of the early church, most of them written by a fellow who was constantly on the move and couldn't slow down enough to write until he got shipwrecked for the winter or thrown into jail. There's a breathlessness about the whole affair... How different is a breathless, history-changing learning community from a placid or contentious panel of scholars and experts who are less interested in learning anything than they are in defending what they already think they know and attacking what other experts think they know."

p. 128-129 "How do we break the cycle into which we've fallen? Is it better to try to reform our existing faith communities that have lost their way, or simply to leave and start new ones? Do we work for reformation and renewal on one hand, or for revolution and refounding on the other? My answer, as you might expect, is both... Those unwilling to be silenced, domesticated, or marginalized are thus forced to engage in dramatic revolution rather than the gradual evolution of renewal and reform... By getting distance from the groups that are not ready for them, they get space and time to experiment, learn, fail, and learn some more. Eventually, some of their experiments prove healthy and viable, and before long, the very group that rejected the reformers starts learning from them. But meanwhile - this is so predictable and universal that I can't think of a single exception - the very zeal that propelled the rejected-reformers-turned-revolutionaries to bold innovation wears out, and their courage hardens into pride and defensiveness that renders them invulnerable to the next wave of reformation and renewal. They become exactly what they reacted against."

Currently watching: Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Best Reads of the Year

2008-12-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

I read so many books in any given year that it's nearly impossible to narrow down favorites, but I thought, as I've been keeping lists of books I read for some years now, that I'd pick out a few that were highlights for me in 2008 for whatever reason. So without further ado (and in no particular order)...

NOVELS

The Optimist's Daughter, Eudora Welty - Though I read Faulkner, Kafka and Waugh this year, one simple (though Pulitzer Prize-Winning) book rose above the greats... this gentle of Southern writers and her heartrending picture of loss in a middle-aged woman's heart - I was teary more than once
The Portrait of a Lady, Henry James - How I connected with the brilliantly depicted heroine of this engrossing masterpiece... and how I grieved at her demise under the false illusion of conformity and "security"
The Age of Innocence, Edith Wharton - Cloaked passion underlies restraint, not with the usual British reserve, rather, as an American novel (from one of our female greats), as a sign of times in turmoil, where old clashes with new, the past with the future
The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger - I'm mortified to say, as a literature lover, that I'd never read it before now; there is nothing new to say but that I couldn't put it down... perfection

POETRY

Thirst, Mary Oliver - Her conversion and great loss expressed tenderly, beautifully

ESSAY

Slouching Towards Bethlehem, Joan Didion - The great Joan... loved her essays on life in Northern California in the '60's, on New York, her cultural insight

POLITICS

Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White, Adam Hamilton - Not so much a well-written book, or even one in which everything is presented as well as it is a hundred other places, but the constant beat of his drum for balance, acceptance and middle ground is a voice much needed now

FOOD

A Stew and a Story, M.F.K. Fisher - Who can compare to the master? And she is. This collection contains many revelations, which is a common occurrence when reading the great M.F.K.
Straight Up or on the Rocks, William Grimes - This book changed it all... not only for the cocktail literary world in the '90's when the book was first released, telling the exquisite, long-forgotten history of drink and bartending in its days of glory, creativity and elegance, but for Dan & I, ushering us fully into the cocktilian revival and renaissance we've been participating in for years
The Man Who Ate Everything, Jeffrey Steingarten - WASPish and technical, this at times, factual, dry book made me smile as his detailed knowledge of food reveals insight into his profound passion... I love what he has to say about the fallacy of food allergies and the unadventurous eater!

FAITH/RELIGION

Surprised by God, Danya Ruttenberg - An atheist becomes a fully practicing Jew... but this isn't sensational writing milking a religious conversion, rather an honest, heartfelt awakening to God written as engaging memoir
The Shack, William P. Young - I'm reluctant to list this one as it's poorly written compared to the rest... but the heart and message of it need to be heard
Acedia & Me, Kathleen Norris - My dear Kathleen's book was probably the most impactful for me this year; hard to read both in content and occasional dryness (Dan and I joked about coming down with Acedia in trying to get through it), but it actually left the biggest imprint and awakened rigorously honest self-examination

Currently listening : 20th Century Masters: The Best of the Mills Brothers

more faith in honest doubt... than in half the creeds

2008-12-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

"... what does it desire of us, this Meaning of our Life that is revealed and yet concealed? Not to be explained by us - that us beyond us - but only to be done by us..." - Dr. Martin Buber

Buber's quote exemplifies 'the Key'... LIVING it, not merely explaining or talking. Jon read John Baillie's book from the 1950's, "Our Knowledge of God", and found it speaking to him profoundly from a philosophical vantage point. I read it and found this passage in Chapter 7 particularly good (love the Tennyson poem, of course - and we all had the joy of discussing it on his deck overlooking the Miami bay at night, lights twinkling):

"... the central thing of religion is not our hold on God but God's hold on us; not our choosing Him but His choosing us; not that we should know Him but that we should be known of Him. And it would seem that sometimes, even when we deny Him both with our lips and with our minds, He still retains His gracious hold upon us, dwelling within us as it were incognito and continuing to do His work in and for our souls. Some of us would have to confess that even within the circle of our own acquaintance there are professed unbelievers whom we must acknowledge to be, in some very real sense, better Christians than we are ourselves. Of such men we are often inclined to say that though they cannot themselves see God at work in their souls and in their deeds, yet we can see Him there...

Men may continue to believe in God 'with the top of their minds' while consistently denying Him in that part of their souls which governs all their deeds. 'The devils also believe, and tremble'. Surely then it is those whose every desire and deed deny God that come nearest to deserving the unhappy name of atheist, and not those whose denial is an affair mainly of the intellect. We should ask ourselves whether some who profess belief in God are not much more genuinely atheistical than are many of our rationalist and communist friends who take to themselves that name. The real unbeliever is not he whose life witnesses to a belief that he thinks he does not possess, but rather he whose life proves that he does not really believe what he thinks he believes. We might quote:

Perplext in faith, but pure in deeds,
At last he beat his music out.
There lives more faith in honest doubt,
Believe me, than in half the creeds. * Tennyson

But it is on certain other words that we should prefer to rely. 'Lord, when we saw thee and hungered, and fed thee? ...And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Insamuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.' This cannot mean that we are judged by our fruits rather than by our faith, it can mean only that we are known by our fruits, and that if the fruits are truly manifest, some germ of faith must then be there, however unrecognized."

Currently watching : The Savages

Favorite November Moments

2008-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

Another insanely up and down month... I feel so alive with the highs and the lows, as painful and as spectacular as it can be, I am wide awake.

1. My Sam (Phillips) at Yoshi's - two magical, front row sets
2. Almost weekly 4-5 hour sessions of prayer and radiance in Nyquists' home
3. Moving forward in greater numbers with our Human Trafficking leadership group as will as with dinners at the Mentone (Tenderloin SRO)
4. A warm, deep night of Taize with McCs, Tyler, Karen, Chesna, Chuck (plus late night laughter & coffee at Kochs afterwards)
5. Wonderful food excursions and cafe hours spent alone and with my Daniel
6. An incredible weekend in Miami with dear, old friends, Jon & McKean, at their fabulous high-rise over the water... AND Manka driving down to join us for a day of adventuring and profound conversation on Key Biscayne
7. EVERYTHING about our brilliant New Orleans trip - I fell in love completely; Dan & I did it right, savoring every spectacular meal, conversation, drink, jazz club, nap, book, writing and romantic moment together
8. Cozy nights of food, cooking, movies and talks with Jus & Jason as they stay with us a week over Thanksgiving (a great Thanksgiving w/ McCs, J&J, Kochs, Kristi & Adam)
9. Dickens Fair w/ Dannee, J&J ("Sweet Nuts!")
10. My unexpected, painful, family reunion-filled, bittersweet trip to Oklahoma (after just returning from New Orleans) for Grandpa's funeral... he passed away late Thanksgiving night

Currently listening: Purrfect: The Eartha Kitt Collection

Favorite October Moments

2008-11-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

It is an unbelievable time... so much sadness and fear as well as love and hope. Dan's Dad was diagnosed with cancer this month, right after we returned from my sister's joyous wedding week in Ventura County. Dan flew right back to Orange County for another week, the longest week apart we've had, to be with his family and await outcomes. His Dad is going through chemo and we're praying for miracles... as we're acutely, keenly aware of every moment, of each other, of what we have and how amazing it is. Especially as we face loss and pray for more time with those we love... always more time.

1. Concerts (like Robert Plant/Allison Krauss or Hammer!), film nights and cozy meals with many dear friends (Tash, Chesna & Tisch, Becca here from NYC, Tyler, Amanda, Scott & Louise)
2. Stolen weekday lunches with Dan, trying new spots around the city
3. Palo Alto day with Dannee, eating (Bistro Elan & Sultan), coffee, writing, cocktails and cigars while talking about our upcoming trip to Miami & New Orleans)
4. Crazy Thrillville Dean Martin ("The Silencers" - hilarity!) movie night at El Cerrito Speakeasy w/ Tash & Dan
5. Entire wedding week for Jus & Jason: from the raucous LA bachelorette party night, to the family and friends reunion, to staying at Jessi's, to the big family dinner night in Santa Monica, to the gorgeous wedding and dancing the night away, tears and laughter... such joy
6. More East Bay dinners with Amy & David
7. Charleston-ing the night away at Mobster's Ball with Tyler, Chuck, Chesna, Karen, Maria
8. Amanda staying with me when Dan left (brunch at Brenda's, "Honey, I'm home!")
9. Geriatrics Party at Karen & Gina's
10. Yoshi's w/ Tash - fab Rupa & the April Fishes show; alive & delighted w/ my girl
11. Dave's steakhouse birthday dinner at Joe DiMaggio's on a hot Indian Summer night
12. Marie-Brizard West Coast Cocktail Challenge - the best industry-only party I've been to yet; I'm becoming "official"!
13. A cozy Halloween at our place with six friends watching ridiculous old horror movies like "House on Haunted Hill" while sipping pumpkin martinis
14. Being finally re-united, intensely and ecstatically with my husband after 7 painful days apart

Currently listening: About the Blues By Julie London

Favorite September Moments

2008-09-30T09:24:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe this year is so nearly to an end - it's going by like seconds! I could not limit my memories this month - there were so many; what a rich month of goodness.

1. Roaming my gorgeously blue, pristine city with my Mom on Labor Day
2. Sitting out on my fire escape with a clove, in a skirt and bra on a warm, sultry night... being, praying, singing, listening
3. A warm, vibrant, starry night on the patio of Coffee Bar, having a two hour Ethiopian meal, wine, a cigar and a deep talk with my husband
4. Italian night in North Beach with J & J (Jus & Jason) - food & "Il Postino" under the stars
5. Spontaneous singing and playing of guitar and piano by candlelight at our place with David, Anna & Amanda
6. Uproarious laughter & delight with my Tash over absinthe & champagne at Water Lounge before meeting Dan & Ben at Conga Lounge
7. Another great night serving at Tenderloin SRO + helping w/ Human Trafficking website launch & leader's group
8. Incredible industry-only food events I got invited to (La Cocina & Orson private event w/ John Scharffenberger & Elizabeth Faulkner)
9. Good talks & laughter with Ben on his weekend visit (especially our Caribbean/Jamaican meal on the water at Miss Pearl's Jam House)
10. Examining amazing classic cars and watching Charleston champions at the Great Gatsby
11. Dinner and life-giving prayer at Amy and David's
12. Reuniting with Salem friends at Randy's luncheon
13. Perfect meals, beers, talks (+laughs/Jovi Punch!) w/ Jason at Monk's Kettle & Magnolia
14. Goodbye nights with Anna at Medjool, OSHA, Chloe's, B&B
15. A cozy 15 of us in blankets watching "Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?" in Dolores Park
16. Louise's beautiful ordination ceremony (we did music) at Miraloma
17. Heartwarming prayer & a fab home-cooked meal at our place w/ Ty
18. Early morn & late night talks/walks w/ Dannee, specifically magical, romantic meals & conversation at Bar Crudo after my hellish work week & the relaxing, sultry Saturday after

"Bad is so bad that we cannot but think good an accident; good is so good that we feel certain that evil could be explained." - G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"

Currently watching : Persepolis

Waking hours

2008-09-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

In a week of sleepless nights, sickness, then breakthrough (what a beautiful, freeing night at Amy & David's last night!) ... spiritually, as well as physically, I feel gratefully overcome even as I am heavy to face the upcoming hurdles at work and in many commitments.

"I learned the best way to manage some kinds of painful thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst, to let them lie and gnaw at your heart till they are tired; and you find you still have a residue of life they cannot kill." - George MacDonald, "Phantastes"

Dan and I talk of death in bed in the wee hours while it's still dark as I awake, unable to return to sleep. The brevity and fierceness of existence overtakes and paralyzes me in those moments. My sweet husband talks me through, shares the fears but ultimately, lets it go. We cannot hold on, terrifying as it is to accept death and old age (granted, I'm far from there, but I see it on the horizon, clearly at times).

We've shared many a tender talk of death and the swift passage of life before - talks that always remain special to me for the vulnerability in which we see the thin thread always between us and death at every moment. The thread we'd rather not acknowledge but ultimately have to.

Oddly, what comes out of and is left from those waking hours is gratefulness. I realize in the brazen light of day that I wouldn't feel such an ache of loss if I didn't have something rich to lose. We have so much, Dan and I. I am cognizant, as I am whenever I stop to reflect, that we are truly happy together... we have fought to find and keep each other and it hasn't always been easy, but we've been supremely happy together and our daily life reflects that.

Never am I happier to come home than to him, and he to me. Never has it been better to share all the things I love most than with him. Never have I regretted leaving my singleness behind, just as being with him has not taken away my independence but only made me more of who I am, freer, strengthened in unity as we reach for the same things. It's amazing to look at our life now, the habits we share, the way our cozy nights home play out (we've had a number of sweet ones lately) and see that even to the littlest detail, we're living the life we dreamed of living, we're in the kind of space we hoped to be in.

We have not, and do not, talk of forced stereotypes we have to fulfill with each other, in marriage, in life. Our home, whether in chores, decorating, obligations, daily activities, is not divided into 'his' and 'hers'. Sure, we share many passions, though not all - we each have our little things we work on separately (though in the same room as we share in our industriousness - Dan sews, works on the website or music, while I read, write, organize). He and I each have nights with girl or guy friends and both love our alone time. Always have. But there is no labeling or restriction, no closing in or dividing. All is on the table. All is possible but that we dream it together. All can be had if we agree and are lead to the same place... the point is to seek together, create together, evolve together, form who we have been, are now and will be, together.

That's why even pursuits like my food writing, I do with him. Though I write and research, we both enjoy the fruits of the research together (it's great to have a household of passionate eaters!), he builds and works toilessly on the website, making it ours, even with my name on it.

Community efforts, Arts Nights, human trafficking (and other issues we work in together), hospitality, constantly opening our home up to guests, groups, talks, meals and creative exploits. We create that space together, as we long prayed our home would be such a place, even though a one bedroom apartment. We've seen no end to incredible memories here - almost five years in this apartment! Hard to believe.

We travel together, planning in excitement, each into the details. We go to places of European ethos like we did alone in our 20's, sharing the same desire and value to live out that ethos (of the arts, lingering, good food, wine, culture, conversation, aware of beauty, poetic) in our own life, which we do in the life we've created here in San Fran.

As we did at age 18 when we met, we still both thrill to the foam on a cappuccino (or crema atop a good coffee), the gentle light of sunset, to the strains of a classical piano solo or a jazz quartet, the chime of ancient church bells, watching people and pigeons in a town square or Italian piazza, smelling the smoke out of a BBQ hut in the South, whatever it is, we come alive in the details. How rare a gift is that? It means we can create a life of these things, celebrate them, embrace them, surround ourselves with them and soar in the freedom of our spirits when fully ourselves.

How can I not be grateful? I ache to lose because I love my life. I sometimes fear loss and old age in my sleepless hours because it could mean losing this, losing Dan, losing the freedom we take for granted, losing the beauty of a life made by two best friends, not two people trying to make the other into a certain image, ideal or mold (thank God, I got broken of that in a fierce way in the years before our marriage).

I fear because I have so much. I realize I cannot love my life too much nor hold on too tight. For what we ache for most... together... is ultimately not fully fulfilled now. Every thing we love and share is a taste, always leaving us ravenous for more. I have to believe that over that horizon called death is all that more. Not the end but the next chapter... more full and ragingly beautiful than I dared hope.

Currently watching : The Office: Season Four

the effect is cumulative

2008-09-13T08:20:00.001-07:00

I've been reading through a book I picked up at work, Danya Ruttenberg's "Surprised by God", one of the many we get from publishers (usually pre-release - I love my job!) It looked intriguing and I have to say, is way better than I expected. It's a memoir from a young atheist living in San Francisco, who gets in touch with her spiritual side here, growing from hazy spirituality to a full on, practicing Jew (her heritage, but had not been her religion).

Interestingly enough, she avidly studies the Christian tradition, including my heroes like Merton and the Desert Fathers, weaving together the rich traditions of faiths into her Judaism. Her honesty and commitment come through in her writing and it's a refreshing read.

There are many passages I resonate with, am mulling over. Here are merely a few:

"I would listen to Tchaikovsky on my Walkman and weep at the moon... I was equally moved by the shadows that were cast across the lawns by porch lights and the chunks of paint peeling off the old houses, or the weeds sprouting tenderly between sidewalk cracks. It was all too much for me to take... Colors seemed deeper, corners sharper."

"It seemed that I was always floating... not on absinthe, but on how beautiful and free it felt to be young, alive, twenty-three, and living in San Francisco. Watching my breath was beautiful, the rainbows on the lamps were beautiful, everything felt mystical and light, airy and full of limitless possibility."

"That's the thing with instant change - it's usually not change. Either that, or it's not actually instant. The real story of spiritual awakening tends to live beneath the surface for a long time. It's much more subtle and much less linear than it may appear; many of us absorb small changes in tiny doses over years before they even begin to flit up through the upper layers of consciousness... Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi writes... 'There was a long series of these epiphanies, often unrelated to one another, and the effect was cumulative.'"

"As entranced initially as I was with the fireworks, they cannot and should not be the yardstick by which we gauge spiritual maturity or power. Real power comes from doing painstaking work inside the dark, gnarly corners of the heart."

"The dominant culture depends on our sense of isolation. As long as spirituality remains an individualized, personal experience, chances remain good work will sit forever inert & untapped. That is to say, those who practice their spirituality without community are much less likely to demand change in & upheaval to the status quo, or feel that they have the power to do so."

"A committed religious life is not about chasing the next great high... It's about staying focused & present & connected to God in all the small moments, the hard moments, the drudge moments... It's about learning how not to confuse sugar highs with real, sustaining nourishment."

In talking of her feminism & how much she runs up against that, the holding back of women in faith circles /religion (boy, do I understand!): "When are we speaking out of arrogance or self-righteousness & when out of a strong sense that Divine justice is at stake? The answers aren't always clear. Nor is it always clear when it's time to work within the system & when it's time to operate from the prophetic tradition, to reject religious complacency & to follow the seventeenth-century Quaker exhortation to 'speak truth to power'."

"The thing about this 'being present in the moment' business is that it's infectious. Once you start paying attention to where you are, how your breath moves in and out of your body, what you're eating, and how you feel, it gets harder and harder to turn off awareness. It gets harder to walk past a homeless person and not look her in the eye, see that she is human and, probably hungry. It gets harder not to realize that every purchase you make has a potentially global impact, that it may support a local artisan - or a corporation that trades in sweatshop labor."

"Meeting God is about having our souls ripped away, having everything we may have ever understood about who we are pulled out from under our feet - and having to pick up the pieces afterward. We have to figure out who we are and what to do once the comfortable and the familiar have been taken away." [This is faith exactly!]

"... for every person with a religious resume and an overinflated sense of self-importance, there will be dozens of lay-folk who are slowly learning the opposite... that the hard work of a spiritual practice has an indelible effect, that deep change comes gradually. We find that, little by little, this practice takes us back to our work, back into our relationships, our families, our old hobbies, and our slightly revamped ideas of fun. We find that, through the persistence and the tears and negotiations and the uncertainty and the terrifying moments after something old and familiar has slipped away and before something new and strong has come forward to take its place - through it all, we can feel the sweet presence of Infinity humming below the surface, changing how we see the world and our lives in it... For even as one undergoes the profound transformation inherent in waking up, real life goes on."

Currently listening to: The Definitive Collection By Muddy Waters

Southern Writers

2008-09-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've long had an affection for the great classic Southern writers, first and foremost, Flannery O' Connor. Then Walker Percy, another favorite of mine for years. Faulkner I respect but can't say I love. I'm fascinated by his writing and story-crafting style (one-of-a-kind), but somehow removed from really caring about his characters. "Gone with the Wind", naturally.

Another "big one" I hadn't got around to until now, is Eudora Welty, Mississippi's Pulitzer Prize-winning author. I recently read the book that garnered that award, "The Optimist's Daughter". What a beautiful piece of simplicity and understatement, told straightforwardly, without frills, with tenderness. The following passage moved me deeply, as the main character, Laurel, reflects first on her dead parents, then on to her husband, Phil, who died at a young age:

"A flood of feeling descended on Laurel. She let the papers slide from her hand and the books from her knees, and put her head down on the open lid of the desk and wept in grief for love and for the dead. She lay there with all that was adamant in her yielding to this night, yielding at last. Now all she had found had found her. The deepest spring in her heart had uncovered itself, and it began to flow again.
If Phil could have lived -
But Phil was lost. Nothing of their life together remained except in her own memory; love was sealed away into its perfection and had remained there.
If Phil had lived -
She had gone on living with the old perfection undisturbed and undisturbing. Now by her own hands, the part had been raised up, and he looked at her, Phil himself - here waiting all the time, Lazarus. He looked at her out of eyes wild with the craving for his unlived life, with mouth open like a funnel's.
What would have been their end, then? Suppose their marriage had ended like her father and mother's? Or like her mother's? Like -
'Laurel! Laurel! Laurel!' Phil's voice cried.
She wept for what happened to life.
'I wanted it!' Phil cried. His voice rose with the wind in the night and went around the house and around the house. It became a roar. 'I wanted it!'"

Currently watching : A Star Is Born

Solitude gives birth to the original

2008-09-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous - to poetry." - Thomas Mann

Last night, a night of solitude on my fire escape: warmth, smoke, gentle waves of light and air. I returned to myself once again and knew full peace. I felt the I Am close, wrapped around my skin, and I soared with what has been my core since I was a girl. The home I know within me, a place no one can take away.

"... art heightens life. She gives deeper joy, she consumes more swiftly. She engraves adventures of the spirit and the mind in the faces of her votaries..." - Thomas Mann in "Death in Venice"

Afterwards, I wrote in my journal by candlelight in my cozy home that, "the time for singing has begun... again". There is something new stirring in the wake of loss, gain, swift passage of time, failed dreams and realized ones, slow progress and unexpected surprises. There is a new dawn emerging and I am living it expectantly, humbly raw and open, waiting, trusting.

"Here I lay in delicious reverie for some time; during which all lovely forms, and colours, and sounds seemed to use my brain as a common hall, where they could come and go, unbidden and unexcused. I had never imagined that such a capacity for simple happiness lay in me, as was now awakened by this assembly of forms and spiritual sensations..." - George MacDonald in "Phantastes"

Reading : The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible - A. J. Jacobs

Favorite August Moments

2008-09-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

1. Getting lost with Dan in the world strains of music from Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, etc... at a Kronos Quartet concert
2. A day of tastings, sunlight, adventure, relaxation, drink and communion with Jus, Jason & Dan in Alameda
3. Weekly hashing out ways (and writing a game plan) to fight Human Trafficking with our BJM leadership team
4. Sitting for a few hours and writing in Coffee Bar with my Dan
5. Breakfast alone on one of my "writing days" at the countertop of Haight's Pork Store Cafe," talking with locals, watching eggs scrambled, sipping down coffee
6. Excitedly talking with Annelies of the possibility in our lives at the "Bottle Shock" screening
7. Bridal dress shopping with Amanda and Anna all day long (lunch at Level III!)
8. Reconnecting with lifelong friends and breathing in the mountain air and Grand Teton majesty on our trip to Jackson Hole, WY for Jon's wedding
9. Special meals (Bushi-Tei, Espetus, Pizzaiolo, Tsar Nicoulai, Regalito, Urban Tavern and so on) with my husband of conversation and life
10. Noontime Gershwin & Chopin piano concert in Old St. Mary's with Dan
11. Mama's SF visit (Bette Davis movies at the Stanford, "Mary Poppins" under the stars, roaming old ships, good food, singing/playing music)

Currently watching : Mad Men - Season One

Easy certainty

2008-08-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Whether in the strains of Gershwin and Chopin during a lunch time piano concert downtown or in the stars twinkling as I lay on blankets for film nights in parks, the intimations of "more" keep coming to me in relentless, yet gentle, waves.

Days have been sweet and truth goes deeper into my bones, though my mind can lay claim to less and less as I age. No, not insanity, but knowledge of fact, force and surety. As my knowledge increases, my knowing becomes more primarily of gut: a knowing I've always had, but with experience and time... becomes less of head, less measurable.

I concur with Rev. Jim Wallis: "Real faith... leads us to deeper reflection and not - not ever - to the thing we as humans so very much want... Easy certainty."

Currently reading : The Man Who Ate Everything By Jeffrey Steingarten

"Bottle Shock" screening

2008-08-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was "press" for a screening of "Bottle Shock"(love those free screenings, Guardian!) I took Annelies. As always, we had a heartwarming talk about what we both love best: cities, social justice, writing, the arts, travel, food and drink... finding our call and purpose as we grow older. Apropos then to see a film about the wine industry and a "later in life" realization of huge dreams. The film is about how California (Napa) changed the wine world in the '70's when the top palates and wine names in France chose the best red and wine wines of the year in a blind tasting, certain they were French, the world leader (followed by Italy) for many centuries prior. But they chose CA wines in both categories based on taste (red from Stag's Leap, white from Chateau Montelena - one of Dan & I's favorite Napa hangouts for over 7 years), and ever since, the monopoly on world's best wines is no longer held in primarily Europe.

It's not a perfect film by any means (Alan Rickman pulls out the best performance, not surprisingly), but it's a rousing story, showing how "the establishment" can, and at some point will, be disrupted. It shows what's possible on the other side of seeming failure... and how "the new" can invigorate "the old". Makes me proud to be from this area and celebrate such rich history and influence in my daily life of food and drink.

Even better, winemakers portrayed in the film were there, as were the husband/wife producers. The most darling middle-aged couple, married 21 years, they spoke of their love for wine and film that led to the making of this indie for well under $10 million. Their obvious passion for the subject was invigorating, as was their team approach to pursuing their dreams - it made me think of my Daniel with fond hope for a future where we continue to dream, create and actualize together. Never too old for something new.

Currently listening : Sam Cooke - Greatest Hits

Two amazing poems that make me think of Dan...

2008-08-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

A THIRD BODY - Robert Bly
A man and a woman sit near each other, and they do not long
At this moment to be older, or younger, or born
In any other nation, or any other time, or any other place.
They are content to be where they are, talking or not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom we do not know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
He sees her hands close around a book she hands to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have promised to love that body.
Age may come; parting may come; death will come!
A man and a woman sit near each other;
As they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
Someone we know of, whom we have never seen.

TOUCH ME - Stanely Kunitz
Summer is late, my heart.
Words plucked out of the air
some forty years ago
when I was wild with love
and torn almost in two
scatter like leaves this night
of whistling wind and rain.
It is my heart that's late,
it is my song that's flown.
Outdoors all afternoon
under a gunmetal sky
staking my garden down,
I kneeled to the crickets trilling
underfoot as if about
to burst from their crusty shells;
and like a child again
marveled to hear so clear
and brave a music pour
from such a small machine.
What makes the engine go?
Desire, desire, desire.
The longing for the dance
stirs in the buried life.
One season only,
and it's done.
So let the battered old willow
thrash against the windowpanes
and the house timbers creak.
Darling, do you remember
the man you married? Touch me,
remind me who I am.

Currently reading : On Modern Marriage and Other Observations By Isak Dinesen

Kronos Quartet and Ammons weave together in my consciousness

2008-08-02T15:41:00.000-07:00

Last night Dan and I sifted through a dreamy Kronos Quartet concert: "Music without Borders" - music from Iran, Pakistan, Kazakhstan, Palestine and more. Free orchestra seats through work - man, I love my job!

Kronos is one of my long time experimental classical favorites (especially their "Performs Philip Glass" CD from 1995 - still kills me every time). I wish there was a CD of this show... very avant garde or completely different sounds for our Western ears. The variety and experimentation was inspiring.

As I describe a few favorite pieces, I'm reading A.R. Ammons, "Sphere: The Form of a Motion", and somehow both the concert and his poetry weave together in my spirit this week. The quotes are from Ammons:

33: "Order is the boat we step into for the crossing: when we/ step out, nothingness welcomes us: inspiration spend through..."

Kronos started the concert with the rousing, if brief, North African/Lebanese tune by an unknown artist: "Oh Mother, the Handsome Man Tortures Me", a title that amused both Dan & I.

57: "...everything in moderation including moderation..."

A traditional Iranian 1976 lullaby was haunting and soft. Glenn Branca's "Light Field (In Consonance)"? A revelation! Coupled with the slowly changing lights on the curtains... mesmerizing, unique, dreamlike.

70: "...I am terrified of my/ arrogance and do not know and do not know if the point in the/ mind can be established to last beyond the falling away/ of the world and the dreams of the world: but if we are small/ can we be great by going away from the Most High into our own/ makings, thus despising what He has given: or can we, accepting/ our smallness, bend to cherish the greatness that rolls through/ our sharp days, that spends us on its measureless currents: and/ so, for a moment, if only for a moment, participate in those means/ that provide the brief bloom in the eternal presence..."

"Nihavent Sirto" by Turkey's Tanburi Cemil Bey made me want to get up and dance.

143: "...by the time you amount to something,/ the people you meant it to mean something to are dead and you/ are left standing there, your honors in your hands..."

The Kazakh tune by Kurt Shildebaev, "Kara Kamir", is heartbreakingly sad and chilling.

153: "...lately, we've left out the high ranges of music,/ the planetary, from our response... not homogeneous pudding but/ united differences, surface differences expressing the common,/ underlying hope and fate of each person and people, a gathering/ into one place of multiple dissimilarity, each culture to its/ own cloth and style and tongue and gait..." YES!

The weaving, multi-layered, surprising web of Aleksandra Vrebalov's, "Hold Me, Neighbor, In This Storm", was an epic finish to an utterly unique and vibrant concert.

126: "...you can sit around/ and talk about it all day but you will never walk the tightwire/ till you start walking... fall off a few times to see it won't kill you..."

Currently reading: Revelations: Personal Responses to Books of the Bible

Favorite July Moments

2008-08-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

1. Dan & I's gloriously lingering, life-filled Sonoma day
2. Stirring discussions with David & Amy at Flora or joined by Scott & Louise at our place
3. A free-spirited Oakland night w/ Dan, Tash, Ty, Karen & Gina at Angeline's Louisiana Kitchen, then Zydeco Cajun dancing, finished off with tiki drinks at Conga Lounge
4. Cozy 4th of July BBQ at McC's house w/ 15 friends
5. Spontaneous times w/ my girls: A & A over for late night talks, "Brideshead Revisited" screening w/ Anna, drinks (Fresca) and late night pancakes (Toast) w/ Anna & Lyla, Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market (bird poop!) w/ Amanda & Anna, Ryoko & Rye night w/ the ladies
6. Last minute visit: a day w/ my dear Shannon in Palo Alto
7. Jus sleeps over while Dan's away (Project Runway marathon!) - night roaming Hayes Valley and going to SF Symphony for Rodgers & Hammerstein concert
8. Many excursions with Chesna (Berkeley day, breakfast at Chloe's, rousing night w/ our husbands & Jo at Bourbon & Branch & Chutney)
9. Laughs, grillin' up sausages, watchin' Will Ferrell movies w/ "the boys" (Dan, Ty, Scott)
10. Great, long talk with Conor & Loni visiting from Canada
11. Building relationships volunteering at Mentone, feet washing at Boedecker Park Block Party & Human Trafficking meetings
12. Watching "Big Night" under the stars at Charles Chocolate Factory w/ Tash, Chuck, Chesna, Scott, Kristy, Ali, Caroline & Dan
13. Exploring old pirate and movie ships with Dannee all day during Festival of Sail

"And then the knowledge comes to me that I have space within me for a second, timeless, larger life." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Currently watching : Into Great Silence; Release date: 2007-10-23

Hearing and seeing more because we've tasted more

2008-07-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

Reading more essays from the greatest food (and just plain great) writer of all time, M.F.K. Fisher. In "A Stew or A Story", here are some choice quotes from favorite essays, including wonderful bits on California:

From "Shall It Be... Eating or Dining?" (1944):
[After describing an ideal meal and courses, ending with coffee]..."I think the magic would have happened, and we'd sit for a long time with our elbows on the table, talking easily, hearing and seeing more than we had for some time because of the way we'd tasted more."

From the enlightening "Love in a Dish" (1948):
[In describing the three basic needs of life, food, love, shelter, and the poor quality and care of food]: "...having failed so completely to satisfy in harmony one of their three basic needs, it cannot be wondered that the other two, for love and shelter, are increasingly unfulfilled. There can be no warm, rich home life anywhere else if it does not exist at table, and in the same way there can be no enduring family happiness, no real marriage, if a man and woman cannot open themselves generously and without suspicion one to the other over a shared bowl of soup as well as a shared caress."

From "If This Were My Place" (1950):
[In describing her perfect restaurant, particularly a meal in San Francisco at a crusty, classic seafood place]..."If I were running this place... I'd leave it just as it is, cluttered and funny and right - right for now, that is: a bottle of cold light white wine, sizzling crab-legs meuniere, crisp bread on an ugly thick white plate, and beyond them the fog and the sound of harbor horns. But last week another place was right, a lunch of pure fantasy, of equally fantastic expense and 'restauraterie', in a beautifully appointed and beautifully managed and beautifully dishonest Beverly Hills hash house. And far back in my mind is that light high-voiced subtle room in New York, where the champagne and the finnan haddie were so completely right. If I were running this place, the mythical Perfect Restaurant, I'd try to be honest and fantastic and artful, so that I could serve forth what would be, at a given moment, the essential food, the nourishment most needed in a man's Design for Living."

From "The Art of Eating, California Style" (1981):
"... all I really know from experience is that the California way is the best, gastronomically, except perhaps for small places in southern France. But I have talked about California style with other people who know a lot more than I do, and they all agree that the eating, the foods, the dishes and the styles of cooking are for some reason better here than anywhere else in the United States. Why? I repeat. They reply: it's the freshness, the easiness, the availability. Or is it the ethnic influences? Or perhaps the climate? ... I have tentatively concluded that all of those factors are involved."

From "Only in Spots Have We Tamed the California Coast" (1985):
"The California coast stretches, for some thirteen hundred miles, from the Oregon border to Mexico. I have spent many of the good moments of my life along it, from the time I was three years old unti8l now, and I would ask no better than to end my days with the smell and sound of its wild surf wrapped around me."

"Across the water to the south [from Marin], blazing and twinkling at night and serene in all the changing lights of day, is San Francisco. Its court jester has named it Baghdad-on-the-Bay. This evocative title will do until a better one happens, but the City is literally indescribable... I have yet to leave San Francisco willingly... My only comfort is that I am confident I'll return, in one way or another, even as a ghost... It is the focal point of the whole beautiful coastline... The City, as its lovers smugly call it, rises pearly on its many hills, and all roads, at least in California, seem to lead to it. People feel lighter there, in their myriad ways, and there are clip joints and penthouses of utmost squalor or elegance to satisfy them, as they breathe the wonderful washed air and walk with unaccustomed vigor along the tipping streets. It is a fine place to be, the glowing jewel of the California coastline, in the planet's crown of such mysterious happenings."

Currently watching : Brideshead Revisited [Theatrical Release] 2008

Sonoma Redux

2008-07-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

This Summer has meant a few excursions to Sonoma for Dan and I. Funny, since I hate Wine Country's scorching Summer weather, and prefer all other seasons (Fall!!) Yet somehow, it's been calling, and we've responded: exploring Sonoma Valley in particular (in the past, we often focused on Russian River and Healdsburg regions). I didn't think our near perfect June day trip could be topped. Yesterday, it was.

Starting in Santa Rosa with a pleasant lunch at Kabab and Curry House (Mango Chicken Curry, the one real highlight), we meandered through a number of lovely wineries, tasting little, but wandering grounds throughout Kenwood and Glen Ellen. After lazy hours exploring the countryside (including a stop for our favorite Wine Country Chocolates), we ended up late afternoon on the square of idyllic downtown Sonoma.

We peeked in historic, gorgeous Ledson Hotel's open-air lobby: Harmony Lounge. Though the heat was oppressive, confronted by crisp air conditioning within. One misstep in this lush room was two flat screen TVs, though discreetly placed. Diana Krall (live in Paris) played on both, and though not a huge fan (I prefer her repertoire of standards sung by jazz greats), the lilting calm of the music was just right...

We ordered a refreshing cocktail and a glass of fabulous Schramsberg Brut Rose as we sat by an unlit fireplace in big chairs, with dainty tables holding our drinks. We were startled as the grand piano next to us suddenly began playing along with Krall's piano, perfectly timed! The effect was one of live concert, reverberating through this opulent room of marble, velvet chairs, and chandeliers.

Dan read a novel, and I, my dear T.S. Eliot. It's been awhile since I've revisited old friend, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock", so today I did. As always, his poetry envelops. Add sexy jazz, sultry heat clashing with crisp air, the tingle of fresh mint in my cocktail, and my senses were awake, my heart alive with love for Dan... for our life.

Eliot's atmospheric words added to the mesmerizing tapestry of gratefulness holding me. My favorite part of the poem is my favorite passage still, much as I adore the rest:

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."

How can one part with such perfection? Only to move on to more... we made reservations for dinner at a gorgeous, stately 1800's home we stumbled upon on our last Sonoma visit, housing an elegant Southern restaurant, The General's Daughter. The meal was as good as we'd hoped, including the best Mint Julep (blissful fresh peach! with the mint and bourbon), a rich Cauliflower Risotto (with aged gouda and maple vinegar) and addictive Shrimp and Grits (with andouille sausage and leeks).

Satiated and satisfied, we took our wine out to the front (wrap-around) porch, which we had to ourselves, and sat down in rocking chairs. Just past sunset (8-9pm), this last hour was the most blissful of all. Dan smoked a special cigar and we talked, sat in silence, ruminated, reflected. I read some of Eliot's poetry aloud. We dreamed. We were alive.

The drive home embodied our day: the hills were outlined by remnants of Sunset's pink, melding with Night's dark blue... the gentle Wine Country breezes on a cooled down (though still warm) Summer's night... the soothing voice of Ella serenading us in the car... I caressed his neck, he held my hand as he drove... smiles of complete happiness... Together. Unified in beauty, living, tasting and seeing, love.

Indeed, there IS, and will be, time.

Currently listening to:
Fight With Tools
By: Flobots
Release date: 2008-05-20

Favorite June Moments

2008-07-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

1. Of course, that idyllic Sonoma excursion with my husband
2. "Gone with the Wind" Ball and sleepover (watched the whole movie over Sofia champagne-in-a-can and popcorn) with Amanda, Anna, Jus (and dashing Dan at the Ball) - we were celebrities for the day in our A.C.T. rented Civil War gowns
3. Crashing the "7x7 Best Of" party at Level III downtown with Dan
4. Brian & Liz' beautiful San Anselmo wedding
5. Movie night ("I Heart Huckabees") at our place with the gang and numerous dinners with Scott & Louise
6. Coffee in the alley at 4 Barrel with Amanda & Chels (separate times - I keep going back!)
7. Opera in the ballpark with Jus, Jason and Dan on a hot, sultry night
8. Dancing (square dancing, Hambo, English barn dancing), singing (barbershop quartet!) and enjoying music all day at the free SF Folk Fest with my Hus, followed by a romantic French bistro dinner at L'Ardoise
9. Watching the Solstice moon rise orange and full, shimmering over the Bay from atop Twin Peaks with Dan at midnight as the gentle, warm breeze caressed us... sat for one perfect hour on the edge of hill looking out over pristine, sparkling SF
10. Luke & Allison's perfect wedding in San Juan Capistrano... my sweet brother ... and the time with my fam (tender, unforgettable moments like Justine and I crying on each other's shoulders during a a long embrace at the reception... or Mom & I crying arm-in-arm as we listened to the violinist at Downtown Disney... or early morning coffee w/ Dad each day)
Currently reading: The Sound and the Fury-William Faulkner

day in sonoma

2008-06-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

Every time Dan and I explore together, I find new beauties in this spectacular area I call home... new treasures we both get excited about, expanding our pleasure by sharing it (geeky or not).

After a French brunch at Sausalito's new Le Garage (dig that French Toast with homemade creme fraiche), we drove North to some wineries near Sebastopol, before ending up at the also brand new (had to hit 'em up, you know) Hopmonk Tavern, a beer garden and hofbrau that wasn't as kitschy as we'd have liked but more industrial and modern. Still, lots of beers on tap (made Dannee happy) and a kick ass plate of German-style sausages, grilled onions, cabbage, potatoes and an unforgettable creamy mustard sauce (made me happy).

Sitting at the bar, we ended up getting into a long conversation with the man next to us, a well known chef in the area whose restaurant was Zagat-rated, and certainly known by me. He was as cool as could be and excited about our love of food, drink and travel and about my food writing. He tipped us off to a massive vintage clothing store nearby where he's opening a French cafe (unusual), so we visited that after a great talk with him.

The next step was Matanzas Creek Winery which we didn't taste at but was a magical discovery with it's lush, purple lavender field. California quail were cooing, dashing through the lavender bushes, providing childlike entertainment for my bird lover husband and making the backdrop even more enchanting for photos and lingering.

Driving through Glen Ellen that afternoon, we stumbled on Jack London Village, in one light, a plain, old Wine Country shopping mall. But for us, food discoveries awaited. A cheese tasting chamber!? Bright, fresh lemon olive oil. Exquisite chocolates at the blandly named Wine Country Chocolates (nothin' bland about the PB&J, Elvis - PB&Banana, of course! - and Cinnamon w/ Clover Honey truffles! I am dreaming of more!) Bluegrass Bar & Grill - a delightful old mill converted to a restaurant with a fabulous outdoor patio over a stream, modern cowboy decor and most of all, amazing beef brisket!

The evening ended with a walk around downtown Sonoma's idyllic square, checking out menus, walking each alley, peeking in windows and basking in the glow of that pre-twilight hour.
Currently watching : God Grew Tired of Us (Documentary)

Favorite May Moments

2008-06-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

1. Roaming North Beach and the Wharf with Dan for hours (after 4B coffee in the alley, fondue at Melt, reading, writing, roaming the docks by the old ships)
2. Chicago Speakeasy Ball w/ 10 friends... & dancing with my Dannee
3. Bette Davis movies at the Stanford Theatre with Jus & Amanda
4. Challenged to wake up to what's going on around us at Pilgrim's Place
6. Rousing talk over flights of wine with Karen at Cav
7. Exploring Sausalito and other parts of Marin alone on a gloriously beautiful Tuesday
8. Real talk over family style pasta at Caffe Sport with A&A
9. Bourbon & Branch, then Indian food, w/ Ben & Corie
10. Seeing Kenny Barron for free at Yoshi's w/ Dan (and R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe sitting at the table next to us!)
11. Sex & the City nite w/ girls (dressing up, cocktails, crowds, and, yes, female bonding)
Currently listening : Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes) - Cloud Cult

street corner "preachers" in palo alto

2008-05-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Standing on the street corners in downtown Palo Alto, college town and yuppieville, these young guys - and one middle-aged (their pastor or campus leader who told them this is the 'bold' thing to do?) - stood with their "turn or burn" t-shirts, shouting about the need for repentance, especially for gays, as the wrath of God is coming. They were attractive, normal-looking, clean cut, OC-type white guys.

We walked into the Stanford Theatre annoyed at their presentation - so far from the person and message of Christ, I don't even know where to begin. But it was worse when we exited the theater, two films and four hours later. They were still there (gotta commend them for dedication!) on the same corner. This time in a literal shouting match, face to face, with a Latino man who clearly was as disturbed by their "street preaching" as we were. Poor man. Wish we could have talked to him and told him not to be angry at God for their ignorance.

This time, I was ill. Embarrassed. Upset. And sad. Somewhere, Christ is crying at the absence of love.
Currently watching : For The Bible Tells Me So (Documentary)

contentment

2008-05-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

Reading, celebrating, existing, reaching, waiting, moving, staying, loving... my days and life are so good right now I feel unworthy. I have time. I am living. I want so much more. And I have the so much more I want. Contentment paired with striving, pursuing ever more dreams... where is the balance of the two?

From "Free Food for Millionaires" by Min Jin Lee
"'You must choose yourself over the group [says Charles, the musician]... He was angry with his family, with the immigrant communities in New York, even the artists he knew who weren't Korean who kept on wanting to compromise. An artist, a real artist, couldn't do that. An artist could not necessarily have the things other people had - a happy marriage, children, a quiet home life, a retirement account, even mental health. These were the things that following convention might give you... Both of his wives had wanted children, but he had told them no, for these very reasons. Charles had no intention of giving up his art to make room for a steady job or crying babies, because to him, a life without music was insupportable. Without it, he would have certainly put the gun in his mouth." (p. 332)

[Casey's sister, who she's not always close to, tells her]: "'... you're a true person. You are your own. That's important." Tina's voice was assured. All her life, she had wanted to make decisions not informed by others' needs, wants, and expectations. "No one is like you... In the end, that matters most, I think. And being truthful.'" (p. 478)
Currently reading : The Metamorphosis, In The Penal Colony, and Other Stories - Franz Kafka

Favorite April Moments

2008-04-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

1. East Bay exploring with The Hus on a hot day (breakfast at Brown Sugar Kitchen, sewing shops, drinks at Bing Crosby's, BBQ on the porch of Bo's)
2. Bette Davis movies at the Stanford Theatre with Jus & Dan after New Orleans' Nola
3. A beautiful, warm Friday with Manka (Daimaru for lunch, Cafe XO to write and read, Helmand for dinner, then Le Club & walking shimmering Russian Hill with Anna)
4. A rooftop discussion of literature, faith and life with Manka, Jus & Dan atop our roof, under the stars, with a sparkling red and cigars
5. A rich group heart-to-heart discussion at Pilgrim's Place
6. An unexpected few days with dearest kindred Anita (Japanese gardens, tea, tea, flowers, roses, Arboretum, Anita flowers, wearing red, naps in the grass, driving the winding roads of the Russian River Valley, prayer on the water of Sausalito at sunset... running the shore)
7. Tashee's riotous 40th birthday party singing, her joy at engagement to Sax; sitting in Alive's magical, heated patio under the lights and stars with her
8. Immersing myself in the food world with dinners and parties with my editor, for "Feast", at the Taste of Asia event, meeting my favorite local food writers
9. With Amanda: late night car talk of trust & love, then another night of long, sunset Crissy Field beach walk
10. After SF BeerFest, another warm, radiant night, sitting on the water looking out at Golden Gate Bridge, up at the shimmering stars, lights of boats on the water, of Alcatraz, gentle lapping of the waves... in silence, talk and tears of thankfulness... a talk of profound effect with my Dan
Current Reading : There Is a God: How the World’s Most Notorious Atheist Changed His Mind - Antony Flew

Reading Walter Wink

2008-04-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

From Wink's, "The Human Being: Jesus and the Enigma of the Son of Man":
p. 30 - "Jesus incarnated God in his own person to show all of us how to incarnate God. And to incarnate God is what it means to be fully human."
p. 89 - "'We will have to give account on the judgment day of every good thing which we refused to enjoy when we might have done so'."
p. 95 - "Does Jesus serve in order to find life, or does he serve because he has found life? Is serving a way to life, or is service the overflow from having discovered life? Christians have too often performed acts of service in order to 'earn' eternal life... Jesus served not in order to get somewhere but because he had gotten somewhere... You serve out of joy, not obligation. Service is not the way, but a consequence of having found the way."
p. 104 - "... Jesus hammered out the first consistent critique of domination that we know of since the world began... Jesus was setting captives free, and the captors were not pleased. Thus his death was consistent with his life. He shows us not just the liberating God, but the consequences of following such a God in a world organized for exploitation and greed: ' If they want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me' (Mark 8:34)."
Currently watching : When the Levees Broke - A Requiem In Four Acts (Documentary)

Favorite March Moments

2008-03-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

1. Dan & I getting better at Regency Dancing (especially the dance from "Emma") at the Pride and Prejudice Ball with friends, in a Regency Dress my Mama made for me
2. Bells, incense and truths spoken from the gut at St. Gregory's of Nyssa with Manka & Anna
3. Afternoon nap on the cliffs overlooking the ocean with my Dan
4. Celebrating Jus & Jason's engagement at Bourbon and Branch
5. Enveloped by Taize, overcome with tears and vision, with my M, A & A
6. Gin & tonics on Scott & Louise's deck on a warm Sunday afternoon
7. Paula West singing gospel & Bob Dylan at the Hotel Nikko (with Dannee)
8. Amanda's brilliant birthday weekend at the Cayucos Beach House - all together for food, drink, bonfires, beach walks, much laughter, joy
9. Crowded beers & the best pizza at Little Star with David & Amanda
10. A fabulous weekend of food, wine, film, fashion, farmer's market, oysters, heart-to-heart outpourings and long walks with my Jessi... let us not forget Bong Su with her & Yvonne! A night of sensual pleasures...
Currently reading : Soul Graffiti: Making a Life in the Way of Jesus - Mark Scandrette

Reading while ill

2008-03-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

Being very sick this month for a few days gave me the chance to plow through a few classics. An enjoyable distraction in the midst of high fevers. Here are some passages I liked:

From "Brideshead Revisited" - Evelyn Waugh
"The languor of Youth - how unique and quintessential it is! How quickly, how irrecoverably, lost! How quickly, how irrecoverably, lost! The zest, the generous affections, the illusions, the despair, all the traditional attributes of Youth - all save this - come and go with us through life; again and again in the riper years we experience, under a new stimulus, what we thought had been finally left behind, the authentic impulse to action, the renewal of power and its concentration on a new object; again and again a new truth is re-rearranged. These things are a part of life itself; but languor - the relaxation of yet unwearied sinews, the mind sequestered and self-regarding, the sun standing still in the heavens and the earth throbbing to our own pulse - that belongs to Youth alone and dies with it."

From "The Portrait of A Lady" - Henry James:
"Most women did with themselves nothing at all; they waited, in attitudes more or less gracefully passive, for a man to come that way and furnish them with a destiny. Isabel's originality was that she gave one an impression of having intentions of her own." (Chapter 7)

"Don't ask yourself so much whether this or that is good for you. Don't question your conscience so much... Keep it for great occasions. Don't try so much to form your character - it's like trying to pull open a tight, tender young rose. Live as you like best, and your character will take care of itself. Most things are good for you: the exceptions are very rare, and a comfortable income's not one of them." (Chapter 21)

"I may not attempt to report in its fullness our young woman's response to the deep appeal to Rome, to analyse her feelings as she trod the pavement of the Forum or to number her pulsations as she crossed the threshold of Saint Peter's. It is enough to say that her impression was such as might have been expected of a person of her freshness and her eagerness. She had always been fond of history, and here was history in the stones of the street and the atoms of the sunshine." (Chapter 27) - a perfect picture of Roma!

"Her [Isabel's] old habit had been to live by enthusiasm, to fall in love with suddenly-perceived possibilities, with the idea of some new adventure. As a younger person she had been used to proceeding from one little exaltation to the other: there were scarcely any dull places between." (Chapter 40)

"[On Isabel's marriage to Osmond]: She had taken all the first steps in the purest confidence, and then she had suddenly found the infinite vista of a multiplied life to be a dark, narrow alley with a dead wall at the end. Instead of leading to the high places of happiness, from which the world would seem to lie below one, so that one could look down with a sense of exaltation and advantage, and judge and choose and pity, it led rather downward and earthward, into realms of restriction and depression where the sound of other lives, easier and freer, was heard as from above... Hadn't he all the appearance of a man living in the open air of the world, indifferent to small considerations, caring only for truth and knowledge and believing that two intelligent people ought to look for them together and, whether they found them or not, find at last some happiness in the search?" (Chapter 42)

From "The Age of Innocence" - Edith Wharton:
"... he [Archer] did not want May to have that kind of innocence, the innocence that seals the mind against imagination and the heart against experience!"
"Archer had reverted to all his old inherited ideas about marriage. It was less trouble to conform with the tradition and treat May exactly as all his friends treated their wives than to try to put into practice the theories with which his untrammeled bachelorhood had dallied. There was no use in trying to emancipate a wife who had not the dimmest notion that she was not free..."
Currently reading : The Portrait of a Lady By Henry James

My dream last night

2008-03-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

fun house maze
back door hallway entrances
to Disney-esque rides
stretched faces
hilarity, noise
mockery
eerie state of unreality

within this nightmarish universe
a revolution churns
roaming the elongated hallways
hovering behind the torture
an old book is sighted
illustration of a medieval knight and lady
leading an army

"battle, war, fight"
words sickening to my ears
and to the ears of those
overtaxed by Christendom
glorifying violent victory
"not a battle of flesh and blood,
but of principalities"

this unseen war
lies beneath all aggression
behind every physical fight
behind prostitution,
gossip, torture,
top-heavy corporations,
ridicule, exclusion,
human trafficking,
behind every government in the world
beneath all
lies power, greed, lust,
pride, dominance

behind every seemingly obvious evil
there is the root of that evil
also at the core of every one of us
though we may deny

sick, i am, of all this talk of war,
slaying "the enemy"
killing "them" off
"they" will never be completely removed
governments will remain corrupt
abuse will rage on
we'll still reject one another

until the miracle
of the death of everything
brings life to all

i burn to see the secret revolution arise
not in the form of battle
of blood
of killing
but in facing and slaying our own demons
learning the ever agonizing,
sacrificial way of love

then, only then, can we see a bloodless war won
like the Berlin Wall coming down
riotous
joyous
unreal
nonviolent
complete
Currently watching : Sunset Boulevard

from Heather King's book

2008-03-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

An unexpected book I just picked up free at work before it was released to stores, it has touched me, inconsistent though it was in parts. A few quotes:

Heather King - "Redeemed"
"Books save my life... I know it was because so many people were willing to burn out their lives in front of a page trying to get it right. People whose goal wasn't to sound smarter or more profound than the rest of us, but to show us what it means to be human. People who set out not to sensationalize their pain, but to shed light on ours. People who didn't set themselves above the world, but were part of the world, and loved the world and suffered for it, and made art of their suffering."

"[Christ's teachings are]... a call to come awake... I see I've walked around all these years almost completely unconscious of what drives me: of my deep agitation and unrest, of the perverse ways I sabotage myself. Driving around town like a maniac, never allowing myself enough time, knowing when I should leave but subconsciously finding something to do so I short myself ten minutes, so that for the whole trip I'm in a coma of adrenaline-charged anxiety and rage. Putting of my 'happiness' until such and such happens: when I have a certain amount of money I'll be happy, when I sell a book I'll be happy, when I lose that last 2.38 pounds I'll be happy... I'm bad, I'm guilty, I'm unworthy of love. "

"...the long slow crucifixion of trying to love God with my whole heart, mind, soul and strength, and my neighbor as myself: the hardest, most complex, paradoxical, maddening, stimulating, challenging, inexhaustibly enriching, perpetually unfinished, bound-to-fail, sublime task in the world."

Currently listening : The Trumpet Child By Over the Rhine

Favorite February Moments

2008-02-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

Wow. Another incredible month. This year, like last, has been so rich with friends, with Dan, with time, life, space, creativity... in freedom... that I can't help but fear it will disappear like a beautiful dream.

1. A brilliant photo-taking session in gorgeous costumes with dear friends before heading to the Mardi Gras Ball where we waltzed the night away, then crashed an Italian Social Club swing dancing party with old Italian folks (check out our costumes: http://picasaweb.google.com/mrstumpf/MardisGrasBall)
2. Spontaneous North Beach Friday night with Dannee: first, cocktails at Tony Nik's, then hearty Italian dinner at Trattoria Contadina
3. Long talk of living authentically with Brad, Louise and Manka at McClelland's
4. Lunch with Jus at Sears' Fine Foods counter with darling old folks around us
5. Tyler over for take-out and Bliss drinks
6. Sitting atop Twin Peaks alone on a brilliant, sunny day overlooking the blue ocean and Bay; praying in my spirit, writing, knowing it is all alright
7. Late night cocktails with Manka over live piano jazz at The Big 4 after an Obama party
8. Bright weekend afternoons walking the Embarcadero with Dannee
9. Lively discussion about Mother Theresa's faith and doubt at Grace on a Monday night
10. Late night talk over Indian food at Little Delhi with Dan, Manka & Anna about the promptings we feel in restlessness... what is next
11. Enlivened talk with Jessi of food, art, what makes us come alive... over brunch at Sapphire Grill in Laguna on a breathtaking day
12. Late night, hilarious game of Apples to Apples with Luke, Ali, Ben, Corie and Dan, followed by delightful 30 Rock episodes
13. An idyllic lunch in Hollywood at the hard-to-get-in-to Pizzeria Mozza (Mario Batali's first West Coast venture) with Dan before hitting the road back to SF (perfect fennel sausage pizza, brussel sprouts and meyer lemon gelato pie!)
14. The best souffles in America at Cafe Jacqueline for Dan & I's Valentine's Meal
15. Dan's handwritten Valentine's poems, drawings and cards for me
16. Reading quotes and talking of faith, sex and love with Amanda & Anna at my place
17. One of the best three hour meals ever at Albona Ristorante with Dan, Manka, Anna, Amanda & David... laughter, conversation, incredible food & wine; Tosca afterwards met up by Jus & Jason after they got engaged!
18. A rip-roaring Oscar Party at our place with 25 people, gowns & suits, our own red carpet photos, great food and a dance party afterwards with Amanda, Manka, Jus, Scott, Jason, David
19. Cozy Friday night making dinner, sharing hearts and watching a movie with Jus
20. A gorgeous late weekday afternoon with fresh air wafting through open windows, Dan sewing while I write, then preparing dinner, as we listened to Over the Rhine's "Trumpet Child"

Currently watching : Ira & Abby

"Imperative" - by Scott Cairns

2008-02-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

A poem I read (and liked) this week by Scott Cairns:

"The thing to remember is how
tentative all this really is.
You could wake up dead.

Or the woman you love
could decide you're ugly.
Maybe she'll finally give up
trying to ignore the way
you floss your teeth as you
watch television. All I'm saying
is that there are no sure things here.

I mean, you'll probably wake up alive,
and she'll probably keep putting off
any actual decision about your looks.
Could be she'll be glad your teeth
are so clean. The morning might be
full of all the love and kindness
you need. Just don't go thinking
you deserve any of it."

Currently reading : Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life - Steve Martin

Favorite Films of 2007... and while I'm at it, 2006

2008-02-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

There are still a couple big ones I need to see (e.g. "Diving Bell & the Butterfly" & "Atonement"), but based on what I've seen thus far, here are are my Top Ten Films for 2007, in a general, not exact, order (despite being a huge Coen Bros. fan for years, I did not love "No Country for Old Men"):

1. Once (simple, sweet, sublime... can't stop listening to that soundtrack)
2. Amazing Grace (could be called "slightly formulaic", but at core is sincere, inspiring)
3. Away from Her (gorgeous, bittersweet... best film on aging I've seen)
4. The Kite Runner (the book is better, yes, but the film is still haunting & powerful)
5. There Will Be Blood (the ending left me empty & irritated, but what a ride meanwhile! DDLewis' best performance, which is saying a lot; P.T. Anderson, still a favorite director)
6. Paris Je'Taime (love vignettes format, ranging from nice to brilliant)
7. Darjeeling Limited (atmospheric, funny, rich - Anderson in fine form!)
8. Juno (didn't love it as much as everyone else but still found it delightful)
9. Reign Over Me (not a perfect film, but with true heart & humor)
10. Bridge to Terabithia (took me back to my childhood & made me believe again)

Because I didn't put my list out there for 2006 (though I've kept my own lists over 15 years), and as it was a good film year, I'll share that, too:

1. Pan's Labyrinth (brilliant, disturbing, magical, haunting; a picture of the afterlife, death, trust & faith through allegory and the eyes of a child)
2. The Lives of Others (rarely do we see a film on former USSR, especially one this incredible) 3. Romance and Cigarettes (saw it at SF Film Festival -plus Q&A with director, John Turturro- though it didn't come out until 2007; hilarious, campy and heartfelt)
4. Little Miss Sunshine (the not-for-kids family film; overhyped but nonetheless wonderful)
5. Little Children (unique, upsetting, but what a message! Makes me weep at the end)
6. Babel (expected not to care but ended up being moved by the images and stories)
7. Science of Sleep (the ethereal Gondry goes places no one else dares)
8. The Fountain (facing death and the fight for life head on; it's draining but worthwhile)
9. The Painted Veil (lush, deep and better than I expected with fabulous performances)
10. Thank You for Smoking (clever, anti-hero kind of comedy)

Currently reading : An Illuminated Life: Belle da Costa Greene's Journey from Prejudice to Privilege By Heidi Ardizzone

Favorite January Moments

2008-01-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

1. Dan's birthday where people stayed for nearly six hours as the party evolved into spontaneous jazz sing-a-long to Dave's guitar playing, then reading John Donne & Galway Kinnell aloud
2. Rousing conversation over Swedish pancakes on Jan. 1st at the McClellands with the Clelands
3. Wrapped up in blankets in my living room for a late night talk of faith with Manka and Anna; two other nights with Manka talking of family or watching favorite HBO shows
4. A rainy night's dinner with Amanda at Sozai, sharing of love found
5. Homemade, 3 hour Trinidadian/Jamaican dinner in Berkeley at Penny's Caribbean Cafe with Manka, Anna, Natashia and Amanda
6. Making friends with the Irish bartender at La Trappe with Dave and Dan over a meal of mussels & frites and Belgian beers
7. Sharing Blue Bottle & an egg, bacon, arugula sandwich with Dan on an early Saturday morning at the Ferry Building Farmer's Market
8. German beers and hearty food at Schnitzelhaus with Scott & Louise
9. Revealing, challenging talk with my Spiritual Director, Mary Ann
10. Crista visits from LA for a late night dinner (& brilliant wine) at our favorite Incanto
11. Breakfast and costume shopping in Marin with Anna and Manka
12. Staring out the giant picture windows of Aqua on a rainy day for a decadent lunch with Dan
13. Driving around the city singing along to George Jones with Amanda
14. Making burritos with Jason at our place
15. A romantic, warm birthday dinner for Dannee at Range
16. Getting lost in U2's music (still) during "U2 3D" at Imax Metreon
17. Driving along the coast with Dan on a Sunday afternoon
18. Profound talk with Edward who came to the Homeless Dinner at Old First Pres.
19. "Coal Miner's Daughter" over fried chicken and biscuits with Amanda & Anna!
20. After 2 months in Asia, seeing my sister's face again

Currently reading : Simplicity: The Freedom of Letting Go - Richard Rohr

Words staying with me this week...

2008-01-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

"Toward evening, the natural light becomes
intelligent and answers, without demur:
'Be assured! You are not alone...' "
- "Descartes' Loneliness", Allen Grossman

"The wicked witch of secrecy had been vanquished... I had liberated my mother, unlocked her from the prison of the dank secret... I had spoken for her. I had been hard for both us. But this was the whole point of literature... this voicing of the unspoken, the forbidden... doesn't the truth, as John, the beloved apostle promised, set you free?" - Patricia Hampl, "I Could Tell You Stories"

"Many belong to the Church who do not belong to God. And many belong to God who do not belong to the Church." - St. Augustine

Currently listening : Hits I Missed...And One I Didn’t By George Jones

Favorite December Moments

2007-12-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

1. Eating (and saying) "Sweet Nuts" at the Dickens Fair with Amanda, Anna, Becky, David
2. Sharing new year's hopes over Swiss fondue at Matterhorn with Amanda, Anna, David (and of course, Dan - a given in most of these!)
3. Napping in the car on the edge of the Pescadero cliffs as the waves crashed in below us
4. Hobnobbing at the Guardian and Anchor Steam Christmas parties
5. The "onesy" show and 'Slap talk' over a rousing birthday meal for Manka at 1300 on Fillmore with Amanda, Anna and Karen
6. Ongoing "What Not to Wear" commentary & a Papalote lunch with Ali
7. Hearing Bobby's amazing story at the Old First Pres. homeless dinner
8. Watching unexpected fireworks from Scott & Louise's library window
9. Observing a brilliantly colored hummingbird with Dan in Golden Gate Park's Arboretum
10. Fresh mango hamachi roll at Ariake on a Tuesday lunch with Chesna
11. The best Corned Beef on Rye at a weekday Vitrine lunch with Dannee
12. Afternoon movie escape with Manka to see "The Kite Runner", dissecting the film (compared to the book) and the emotions it stirred over drinks at the St. Regis afterwards
13. Drinking free wines and ports in Sonoma with Dan on a crisp day
14. Drunkin' Pumpkin cocktails at Fish & Farm for my birthday dinner with Manka, Anna, Amanda, Scott, Louise and Dannee
15. Another two hour talk of tears and prayer with my Kristy in Australia
16. Reading "Dracula" aloud with Anna by candlelight over peppermint hot chocolate as "The Village" plays hauntingly in the background
17. The entire week Dan & I spent in Oklahoma with Mom, Dad, Drew, Amy & my relatives
18. One of, if not the, best dinner of my life at Michael Mina with my man for my birthday

Currently watching:
Jesus Camp

the dignity of a hidden world

2007-12-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

Reading about Edith Stein in Patricia Hampl's, "I Could Tell You Stories" (note the gorgeous phrase about her love of Latin language: "[she spoke in Latin whenever] her passion quickened at the edge of the inexpressible"), I am struck by these passages:

"... her 'conviction that I was destined for something great'. Such greatness should not be confused with mere ambition, for ambition revolves endlessly, and finally hopelessly, around the individual's sense of stardom... The urge towards greatness, on the other hand, is oddly aligned with humility. The purpose is not the fulfillment of a self, or its aggrandizement, but the deft insertion of the self into an overwhelming design... It always carries as well a charge of relation, of service... Ultimately, a life seeking greatness is about the loss of the self in the service of a more complete reality. It is a disappearing act."

She's described as not for 'evangelism', though she was a Jew who converted to Catholicism and became a nun, yet was killed as a Jew in the Holocaust. She seemed to understand the sacredness of God's communication with each person, well acquainted with mystery: "... the dignity of her 'hidden world'... her strangely instinctive solitude... the mystery of her conversion... what she knew each person must find alone, in the locked tabernacle of the self."

Currently listening: The Village
By: James Newton Howard

The Wisdom of Milosz

2007-12-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a number of books lately that weigh on my spirit in ways I cannot assuage... this is the outcome every time I hear of the persecutions the majority of the world suffers in our time. I read "The Kite Runner", "Jia: A Novel of North Korea" (by Hyejin Kim) and of Eastern Europe under the Iron Curtain through Czeslaw Milosz. I am always chilled and humbled by the ease we have known in America. Will I "escape" the horror men do to one another? Most of all, why cannot we stop it all from happening? I feel helpless in the wake of the gruesome woes done to human beings every day.

"...unless we can relate to it ourselves personally, history will always be more or less of an abstraction, and its content the clash of impersonal forces and ideas... Doubtless every family archive that perishes... every effacement of the past reinforces classifications and ideas at the expense of reality."

Of his faith: "... [the newfound] bitterness of dualism, the Absolute saved at this price, intoxicated me like the feel of a harsh surface after a smooth one that is impossible to grasp."

"... the individual who lives his journey from childhood to old age against an almost unchanging background, whose habits are never disrupted by the ups and downs of the social order, is too susceptible to the melancholy of things that are simply here, yet are opaque..." - from "Native Realm" - Czeslaw Milosz

Currently watching:
No Country for Old Men

Winter's Chill

2007-12-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

Shifting through dreamy otherworlds of culinary bliss
Roaming the streets of Londontown as it once was
Singing free like Maria on the peaks of Austria

Transported back to Switzerland's pine wood warmth
Hobnobbing with those who might shed some light,
drinking with those whose names I cannot know

Southern goodness with laughter so hard it becomes tears
Dinners with those without homes
who reflect refreshingly tender humanness

Plants of the world, breathing in the dead of winter
Running the moors of England
through their imprisoned passion

Drinking eggnog in an 1800's tavern
Befriending exotic birds on a farm
Picking out our own little tree of green

Staring into eyes that accept me fully
In the glowing blue light of our home
Warmed from Winter's Chill by love
Currently watching : The Lives of Others

where you can say anything...

2007-12-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

Some lines from passages I liked while reading Patricia Hampl's "A Romantic Education" this week:

p. 11 "For the first time the lilacs came to me nostalgically because I noticed them... the knowledge that objects carry their dense bundles of significance out of unconsciousness all the way to - I could almost sense it ahead - the end of the line. To death."
p. 15 "Finding one's 'voice' is, essentially, getting to the point where you can say anything."
p. 63 "... I wanted a city. Not a town, not even the capital of Minnesota, but a city. It was the Midwestern desire that, in part, creates or sustains the empire quality of New York, of Gotham. New York, left to its own devices, without Podunk dreams and ambitions flying to it generation after generation, would hardly be a city, but a collection of steamy, squabbly neighborhoods where everybody is selling sandwiches to each other, the ethnic diversity forever unmelted."
p. 90 "My aunt and uncle were aesthetes. The art of living was their form."
p. 97 "But trying is exactly what beauty is not. Beauty is the absence of effort. It is the casualness that announces: this person is special, was born special."
p. 112 "[Referring to feminism]: We Aren't Beautiful, Lovely is Lousy, Female is Ugly. But we didn't mean that either. We meant... but that is the suicidal part: it is hard to sever the cords that tie us to our slavery and leave intact those that bind us to ourselves."
p. 237 "Only a city can sustain the truth of this fact of beauty - the brokenness - because, unlike an old woman who was once beautiful, a city can perfectly balance, in its architecture, the fresh loveliness of form and the ruined, irreplacable qualities of age."

Currently reading :
Secrets in the Dark: A Life in Sermons
By Frederick Buechner

a life is passing

2007-11-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

Sylvia Plath:

"I want to get back to my more normal intermediate path where the substance of the world is permeated by my being: eating, food, reading, writing, talking, shopping: so all is good in itself, and not just a hectic activity to cover up the fear that must face itself and duel itself to death, saying: A Life is Passing!" So achingly true.

"The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness... but I must have a thousand beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds - No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me..." This is my girlhood truth.

Currently watching:
The Buccaneers

where I have been...

2007-11-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

"It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides." - George Sand

The sky opened up. Change leads the way, possibility the name of this season. In response to months of prayers... beyond words... change has come, bringing hope.

I don't know where it will lead, but I do know it had to happen - even more than I realized. Once it did, the sigh of relief within my gut was so huge, I've been deflated in its wake. Yet simultaneously energized by clear direction and brilliant possibility.

These last two months have been rife with change, sleepless nights, expectation and worry, elation, goodbyes, hellos, world travel, rich times with friends, an excess of visitors, celebration, new jobs for both Dan and myself.

The past weeks flood streams of memories across my mind's window: a brilliant two weeks in Lake Como, Italy, and Switzerland with Dan's family (photos here: http://picasaweb.google.com/mrstumpf); Arts Night; family visiting en mass (Steve & Christina, Mitch & Peanut, Drew, Luke, Ben, Ben & Corie, the Stumpf family - whew!); The Roots with Manka & Dan; Film Nights in Union Square ("Rebel Without A Cause"); reading & discussing Nouwen with my girls; afternoons with Amanda and Manka over tea or lunch; "Emma" musical with Anna; music at Miraloma; great meals and talks (always!) with Scott & Louise; cocktail nights with the girls (Tiki night & Bourbon & Branch); leaving Genentech; starting our new jobs at McKesson (Dan) and the Guardian (me); celebration dinners for Dan & I's new jobs (at House of Prime Rib for Dan and Quince for me); I won tickets to a KFOG lunch (Manka went with me) and a New Orleans on Nob Hill concert through SF Jazz Fest (Dan & I) - Dan won tickets to a Patty Griffin private show!; we went to the weddings of Jason & Tammy and Janet & Brent; The Vampire Gothic Ball with Ben & Corie put on by the Period Recreation Society; private 10th anniversary party at Citizen Cake with Annelies; The Swell Season (from the movie "Once") concert with the girls; the Guardian's Goldies ceremony; serving dinners with Grace Cathedral at the Mentone; Shannon & Ephraim visiting; a seven course meal with our 'crew'; and so much more.

Yes, it's a daunting list that does not begin to tell of inner changes, musings, a consistent "letting go" happening in my life and faith, Dan & I's long talks and realizations (tearful & joyful), talks with my dear girls and sister; the overwhelming sense of gratefulness that permeates my waking and sleeping hours.

There has been fear, strain and uncertainty before these changes hit... then Dan and I both had news about our jobs exactly the same week, gave notice on exactly the same dates, started our new jobs on exactly the same day. It's been strangely unified, though separate changes for us both. A friend said it seems its a sign of how we are being led into new horizons not just individually, but together. We feel this acutely along with humble awe at the meaningful, significant shift that has taken place.

Though no job or change is by any means perfect, with this particular shift, I sense a directional change that is strategic, purposeful and hopeful. Time has been returned to me. Creative, unusual possibility has entered a space conformity and a growing drudgery were filling.

Space is opening up inside me as it is around me. Not only with time, but in environment, direction, horizons. The wind whispers, "It is possible", even as I know not what to do but take the next step right in front of me.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allen Poe, "Eleonora"

Currently watching : The Darjeeling Limited

YES

2007-09-05T16:03:00.001-07:00

confines of boredom
lack of challenge
or inspiration
or human spirit

make up the world
we must be ruled by

while our core fights
wrestles within... for more

beyond the mundanity
beyond the shallowness
beyond the irrelevant importance
of what matters not

as we rot
will we care that the bottom line was met
or that people who's souls are dead
were not pleased

the sky screams... blue
the clouds whisper...run
the breeze caresses... now
the sea roars... YES

Currently listening :
Exit By k-os

August

2007-08-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Luke & Allison are engaged... over the wild Pacific on a sheer blue day so glorious, it hurts. I took photos afterwards, warmed at their joy and obvious soul mate connection; a sweet week spent with them celebrating, exploring Napa or relaxing at our home...

Ben here for a weekend where we just delighted in each other's company whether over perfect island drinks at Forbidden Island, dancing through another time period at the "Pride and Prejudice" picnic, taking photos in "Choopie" or watching ridiculous birds.

Sonoma with Justine & Jason for another vibrant day tasting & seeing that IT IS GOOD...

Serving and eating dinner in the Tenderloin with raw, honest people who are dying to share their stories, keeping me there long after everyone else has left...

Long talks with Kristy in Oz, about the passion to DO & make the world different, which eats us up inside...

Long epistles written between my Anita & I, redolent with our lifetime of memories, current trials & joys, tied into our girlhood hopes...

Dan & I atop the stunning Saratoga mount where Mountain Winery resides, savoring wine & BBQ as good as any in the South (thanks, Uncle Frank's), bundled up for rowdy & smooth blues under the stars, staring out into a sea of lights so shimmering, it blinds us...

This month has been full but so very sweet. And I am grateful for each lingering moment.

"All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right-about-face that turns us from failure to success." - Dorothea Brande

Currently watching : Notes on a Scandal (2006)

deconstruction

2007-08-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

"Moses led his people in circles for forty years so they could get ready for the Promised Land, because they had too many ideas and preconceptions about what a Promised Land should like." - Anne Lamott, "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith"

I realize that growing up, if allowed to happen, is a journey of deconstruction. Dreams and ideals are built in the tender soil of youth... the most accurate intuition of our whole life... which we spend our adulthood trying to get back to. The pure joy of youth signals our innermost matter: WHO we were meant to be from day one. The traces are there, all the way back, in the simplest, most surprising places.

But to return to that pure essence - the joy of what we were created to do, without need for approval or acclaim, simply out of love for it... as it is WHO we are - takes a lifetime of deconstruction. Periods of wandering the wilderness (40 years if necessary), to dismantle all our preconceptions about what that promised land was going to look like.

Once we finally let go of this most agonizing struggle of all - the ideal of what we heard and thought it was going to be - can we see what the Promised Land actually IS.

And it overwhelms us with vast open spaces and wild beauty. We need only come... and run free.
Currently listening : 20th Century Masters - The Best of The Ink Spots

Richard Rohr

2007-08-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

Quotes from "Enneagram II":
p. 12-13
"Predestination and deism are two extremes: predestination puts excessive reliance on so-called grace and deism puts excessive reliance on self-responsibility... locate divine providence right in the middle of the two...
Can you imagine... that every moment God is trying to expand your freedom? ... and God is even using your mistakes and sins to bring about good? ... I believe this is what the providence of God is all about. God is working for our wholeness, our liberation, our truth, and our freedom...
Co-creation spirituality, which enjoys a longstanding tradition among the Judaeo-Christian people, provides a way of looking... at God & we as a team... The most surprising, perhaps scandalizing point, is that God uses our passions and our compulsions in our favor!"
p. 15
"The truth is that you have to go through the dark night, you have to endure a period in which your feelings don't make a bit of sense... they are leading you into a place of meaninglessness. It is important to pass through these places on your journey.
We desperately need spiritual direction that teaches us to walk through that kind of terrain... hold it, observe it, and trust... it. Those who can help us through the dark night are great teachers. Those who say the dark night must be avoided or that it is always the result of sin or some problem are not good teachers at all."
p. 24
"What do you think is the most dangerous path? I think it is the path of religion... the path of law and duty and religion has detoured the erotic, creative, life-giving paths toward God and has pulled many people into a misdirected path of self-serving salvation. Consequently, these people must deal with a self-image that is constantly protecting itself instead of surrendering itself."
p. 28
"Perhaps in a spiritual sense it was not good to separate either heaven and earth or light and darkness, because the fundamental task in the spiritual life is precisely to try to rejoin the unity that got separated... to be at home at that place of our initial, original creation, that center where God from the beginning said it was good. Most of us spend our lives trying to get back to that place."
p. 31
"Jesus doesn't walk around saying, 'believe this' or 'believe that'. Instead he says 'follow me' through passion, death, and hopeful resurrection."
p. 149
"There's no point in blaming your parents... don't hate [them] for giving you your woundedness. They have to give it. They can't avoid giving it... You're going to pass on to your children some of your unlived life, some of your mistakenness, some of your compulsiveness... That's your finitude. Courage is to accept that we are finite."
p. 166-167
"We stay here fighting it out & killing one another... pretending we love God when it's obvious to everybody else that we don't.
Helen Keller ...wrote, 'Sometimes I fear that religion is, in fact, man's despair at not finding God'. We practice our religious rituals to placate this angry, distant God. We just keep offering the incense and going to the services, reading the Bible and getting self-justification, precisely because we haven't experienced that radical other-justification: that I am hidden with Christ in God, that I came forth from God and I will return to God, and in between I learn how to dance.
... God doesn't demand that we dance perfectly, just that we dance: that we stay in the process, stay on the journey, stay on the path all the way through. During every faith crisis, one or other of our images falls apart. It's either the self-image that we hold on to feverishly, or the God image that we hang on to tightly. That's the unfortunate conservatism of religion. It says, 'Don't question my God image. If you do, it means you're a disbeliever.' And further, let's use this toxic image of God as a validation for a static and often sick image of myself. What we lose out on is what we were created for: love.
People who really believe are people who know how to doubt. Healthy doubt is the other half of faith, and if you tell me you don't doubt, I don't believe your faith. What you have is religion, not faith.
Real faith struggles, like Jacob & the angel, wrestling with the mystery of God...
The Jewish people were wise. They wouldn't give a name to God. They understood the first commandment... when you give a name to God, you think you understand God and you stop the journey. You stay on first base..."
p. 171
"You can trust your gut, your heart, and your head. For most people, that's too much freedom... St. Augustine put it clearly: 'Love God and do whatever you want.'
... Just stay on the path, the path toward love. It's the only path. What God's trying to do is bring us by our free choice into the love God is.
Each decision, each moment, each faith crisis is a chance for another 'yes'. God is expanding your freedom so your yesses can be more free. Usually pain is the only way to do that."
p. 174
"... the Eucharist is a representation and an integration of all that is, not just a way to get holy... [it says] that all things are holy, even the bread and wine. Even dangerous things like intoxicating wine. Jung makes a great deal of the symbol of wine. He says he finds it interesting that in so many languages, the word 'spirit' is used for liquor... Sin & potential sin are also potential grace. And that place where you can be most wounded is also the place where you can be most gifted... the poison itself is the antidote." (Numbers 21:8-9)
p. 175
"... we have a strong example of our unwillingness to let God be free. Many people insist on a masculine image of God... if you're not ready to let go of God as a purely masculine image, you're not going to be ready to go to second or third base where God is just as much woman as man. Whatever maleness means, whatever femaleness means, that's who God is in God's totality. A lot of people are afraid of a female God. What does that say - especially when a woman is afraid of a female God? What does that say about her attitude towards her own body? Toward her own soul?"
p. 182
"To move forward in faith, your God image must periodically fall apart. Your self-image must periodically fall apart as well. If you are willing to let go of both of them, you will really grow. But it really takes faith when they both fall apart at the same time... at this point, you better learn how to pray. Those are the dark nights of the soul, when you must pray, 'Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil'.
When the spiritual darkness begins, most people will jump back into past securities. But if you're willing to hang in there with the hidden God, if you're willing to trust and wait in hope, I promise you a new faith will be revealed and a new self will be revealed. And these two new realities will know how to live together... when your self image changes, your God image will soon have to change. If it doesn't, you're in major dissonance."

"The act of faith that it takes to accept the infinite mystery that you are to yourself and the act of faith that it takes to accept the infinite mystery of who God really is are finally the same act of faith." - Karl Rahner
Currently watching : Half Nelson (2006)

moving inward, moving outward

2007-07-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

"Take care of the small circle around you. When you have succeeded with them, then move outward one small step at a time." - Audrey Hepburn

The circle narrows, even as it has always been wide... focus comes. Regular calls, offering to help each other in our daily lives, meeting over drinks... to talk, to connect, sharing meals and movies at home. Reminding each other of what is most important, while allowing the freedom to try, fail, rest, try again.

Recent weekend trips to Yosemite, with dear McClellands, camping on the Merced River, and time alone for Dan & I... as well as a 'rip-roaring' weekend in Paso Robles with wonderful Amanda & her delightful brother & parents... I am warmed by the life of these dear friends we have. It's amazing to know such people & share laughter, hopes, pains and "aliveness" with them. It also thrills me to share beauty and revelation. The craggy glory of Yosemite or the brilliant blue of the sea & sky from Hearst Castle... both were moments of glory to share and bask in with my Dan and those precious ones around us. I am awake in it - I see it. And I realize... this is IT.

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day." - Audrey Hepburn
Currently watching : Viva Las Vegas (1964)

Haunted

2007-07-19T15:03:00.001-07:00

I am haunted by two artistic endeavors lately:

1. The film "Little Children". Painful, bleak and beautiful, Dan and I wept at the incredible ending. Our choices for today. Choosing now. The agonizing past, but always... the future. Compelling, it stays with me, hitting me in the last moment of the film full force... with truth.

2. The book, "Falling Man", by Don DeLillo. The most chilling account of 9/11 in subtly nuanced ways. A cathartic, mesmerizing read for me. The image of the Falling Man haunts my dreams, as the brutal, loss-of-innocence threshold I crossed on 9/11 marks my life since.

"Although the wind
blows terribly here,
the moonlight also leaks
between the roof planks
of this ruined house."
- Izumi Shikibu (Japan, 974?-1034?)

"This poem reminds that if a house is walled so tightly that it lets in no wind or rain, if a life is walled so tightly that it lets in no pain, grief, anger, or longing, it will also be closed to the entrance of what is most wanted." - Jane Hirshfield, "Nine Gates"

Currently reading :
Falling Man: A Novel By Don DeLillo

Preservation Hall Jazz Band

2007-07-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

They played a free show at Stern Grove yesterday - such a spectacular park it is, deep in a ravine, lush green, tall Eucalyptus trees, lush foilage, and, today, bright sun.

Local Lavay Smith opened with her big band, as we savored a fresh picnic sweet Amanda prepared. Then Preservation Hall Jazz Band began (www.preservationhall.com): New Orleans' legendary band. It's a dream of mine to see them in Preservation Hall when I finally make it to New Orleans. This, a rare, free show of classic Dixieland, Ragtime and Jazz.

By the end of the show, we were dancing on a log (a felled tree beneath us), alive with the spirit of the music. The entire park, hundreds of people, were dancing joyously as this Southern symphony of men played on, a number them almost a century old, now childlike souls beneath the swaying trees of Stern Grove.

"The gradual transformation from an attitude of self-hatred to a spirit of self-acceptance is what occurs in the process of trying to be honest." - Brennan Manning in "A Glimpse of Jesus"

Currently watching : Designing Woman (1957)

The Month of June

2007-06-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

I love life in the city... such friends and love (Dan) I know. Precious memories made reveling in the beauty of art in life I see so clearly when most myself.

The past weeks held sweet, summer delights like Opera in the park, picnics, visiting friends, always the discovery of restaurants, and unusual cultural events. A few June highlights:

- Amazing nights with "my girls": Out of Africa" (w/ Moroccan Mojitos!) and "Six Feet Under" nights; Wednesday Nouwen talks; "Maniac Mondays": drinks, dancing or meals

- Nights home with my Dan are precious: cooking together with new recipes, watching movies, reading, working on The Perfect Spot newsletter

- Seeing an excellent film, "Paris Je'Taime", with Dan & Annelies (after a luscious French meal at brand new Cassis). Alexander Payne's vignette, the final of the many vignettes (some enchanting, some decent, most good), brought tears to my eyes, touched my heart. Simple. Eloquent. Deep.
- Long nights of drink, food and conversation about all the important (and not so important, but delightful) aspects of life with Scott & Louise at home or favorite spots: The Alembic, Rye, Chutney, Hidden Vine, Redwood Room, Le Colonial (birthday celebration for Scott!)
- Endless savory meals with friends or my Dan at Salt House, Joe DiMaggio's (third time!), Jovino, Umami, Chez Spencer, Red Box Sushi, 900 Grayson in Berkeley, and so on

- Eight of us enjoyed "Casablanca" Film Night in the Park (Union Square), complete with chocolate, red wine, delicious German food (thanks, Bjorn and Lea), the classic film, clanging trolleys going by, wrapped in blankets

- Dannee and I went to a brilliant blues show by Guy Davis at "Biscuits and Blues" on June 28. Not only was it a cozy, intimate show, his musicianship and voice evoked the Old South, life, sadness, sexuality and humor. The song about his father, "Hooking Bull at the Landing", is soulfully beautiful, giving me chills of understanding deep in my gut.

Currently watching :
The Painted Veil

Thoughts on Age

2007-06-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Malcom Muggeridge essays ("Vintage Muggeridge"), finding his style refreshingly straightforward and his predelictions of society, religion and the future of the world as we know it, chilling. All this and written 20-30 years ago.

In his essay, "Am I A Christian?":
"You have in a small area of the world [the US] an economic system which only works in so far as it constantly increases its gross national product. This is our golden calf, and year by year it must get bigger. In order that its getting bigger shouldn't create chaos, people must constantly consume more and want more, so that we must dedicate some of our most brilliant talents and a huge proportion of our wealth to making them want what they don't want... At the same time, while this is going on in one part of the world, in another part of the world, people are getting poorer and poorer and hungrier and hungrier."

In his eulogy, "Dr. Johnson Looks Heavenward":
"[Dr. Johnson says] I have neither mother to be delighted with the reputation of her son, nor wife to partake in the honours of her husband. I have outlived my friends and my rivals... Youth is delighted with applause, because it is considered as the earnest of some future good, and because the prospect of life is far extended: but to me, who am now declining to decrepitude, there is little to be feared from the malevolence of men, and yet less to be hoped from their affection or esteem... Riches would now be useless, and high employment would be pain. My retrospect of life recalls to my view many opportunities of good neglected, much time squandered upon trifles, and more lost in idleness and vacancy. I leave many great designs unattempted, and many great attempts unfinished. My mind is burdened with no heavy crime, and therefore I compose myself to tranquility; endeavor to abstract my thoughts from hopes and cares, which, though reason knows them to be vain, still try to keep their old possession of the heart; expect, with serene humility, that hour which nature cannot long delay; and hope to possess, in a better state, that happiness which here I could not find, and that virtue which here I have not attained."

In his essay, "On Humanae Vitae":
"When you are old there is something that happens that I find very delightful. You often wake up about half past two or three in the morning when the world is very quiet and, in a way, very beautiful. And you feel half in and half out of your body. As though it is really a toss-up whether you go back into that battered old carcase that you can actually see between the sheets, or make off to where you see in the sky, as it were, like the glow of a distant city...
You are aware of these two things: of the old battered carcase of your life in it and this wonderful making off. And at moment, in the sort of limbo between the two, you have an extraordinarily clear perception of life... what you realize with a certainty and a sharpness... is how extraordinarily beautiful the world is; how wonderful is the privilege of being allowed to live in it... of how beautiful the shapes and sounds and colours of the world are; of how beautiful is human love and human work, and all the joys of being a man or woman in the world... that as a creature, an infinitesimal part of God's creation, you participate in God's purposes for his creation. And that whatever may happen, whatever men may do or not do... those purposes of God are loving and not hating. Are creative and not destructive. Are universal and not particular. And in that awareness, great comfort and great joy."

Currently watching : The Queen (2006)

Well

2007-06-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

the wind has stilled on this starry night
our star glowing bright over the twin peaks tower
confirming
sign of home
sign of hope

lost though we are, we feel your caress
your whisper
your vision emblazoned across our minds' eye

woven skin to skin
tender intimacy following wild devouring
we pray private prayers
in the aftermath of the storm we find quiet

acceptance
safety
then, surrender

we fall into you
recklessly
nowhere left to turn
nowhere we want to be
our last... and first... resort

like our bodies, exposed
we are raw
we are yours
simple children
unable to forge our path
emblazon our trail
leave our mark
but that you make way

tension of desire
seeps into trust
we accept
and dare to ask
for the moon
all of it

then step onto the roof
witness our star
find confirmation
that you heard the brutally honest words
uttered from our cozy cell
taking simple abandon
to build that long-awaited masterpiece
we may see it
or we may wander till death

yet we know in this instant
that all manner of things shall be well

Currently reading : The Baron in the Trees By Italo Calvino

what dan said

2007-06-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

"The longer and deeper I know you, the more I see your motives, your heart... When you sound extreme or intense on one side or another, I realize that you really aren't imbalanced as much as have to test out the extremes, examine worst or best possible scenarios, process out loud, face your fears or express your loves. I realize you aren't judging or hating the opposite even as it may feel that way. I realize you have a very loving heart that accepts easily, right up front, without questions. I love your heart."

Healing, gentle words for a self-judging soul who always agonizes over why she can't come across as she wants and means to due to her intensive, passionate, at times extreme, personality... and coming from one who sees her most and knows her best.

Currently listening : The Essential Taj Mahal

resolution

2007-06-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

oh, ache of endless aches
flesh burning for all-consuming purpose
radical explosion of unmistakable truth

dreams woven together since girlhood
into a woman's complex desire
craving outlet, seeking release

yet the world cannot encompass my passion
my body cannot create my visions
my mind sees larger than what reality shows
my heart holds more than compassion reasonably allows
my soul knows its immortality

as i burn for all
i look to the sky, my stars and radiant moon,
and see you.. the resolution of all that is only hinted at here

Currently watching : Babel

Paradise

2007-05-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

I am reading short stories about world traveling writers who have made their homes elsewhere from the place of their birth. Isabel Allende, well known Peruvian writer (famous for "The House of the Spirits"), writes about Marin - ending up there as she married, saying it is more home than even South America was. Her thoughts on Marin (the adjustment it took to move to "paradise", as she calls it) and about California, are fascinating:

"I love this country in general and California in particular. Diversity fascinates me. All the races of the planet come here with their traditions and their dreams. Everything new or important starts here or comes here. I like the awareness, the sense of future, the generosity of the people. The young and optimistic energy of Californians is so attractive! Also their sense of freedom: this is as far West as you can get." - from "A Home in Paradise" (2002)

Currently watching : The Graduate (1967)

My Food/Dining Newsletter

2007-05-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've launched it so sign up if you love food, travel (I'll cover mulitple cities) or San Francisco...

Click on the link below to sign up for the first issue of my The Perfect Spot SF Newsletter.

Please forward to anyone you know who is a "foodie", traveler, lives in the Bay Area, is visiting San Francisco or who is interested in the culinary world.

I will send monthly newsletters with San Francisco news as well as reviews from my travels. www.theperfectspotsf.com/news/

Currently listening :
The Best of Miss Peggy Lee
By Peggy Lee

culture hound

2007-05-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

There is always a sea of options in a city like SF so wading through cultural events and happenings can be overwhelming, especially for a broad arts lover like myself. I have to curb my desire to embrace and drink it all in, to, rather, fully drink in what I do partake of...

4/9 - Muse at the Bill Graham Civic Center; though the crowds were obnoxious (think sweaty teenagers & overcrowding moshers), the music was enthralling and encompassing; I became lost in the roar of operatic vocals, crunching guitars and flowing piano; the spirit of Queen (mixed with modern alternative rock) lives on!

4/13 - Vivienne Westwood exhibit at the DeYoung Museum; a stunning collection of sometimes shocking, sometimes hideous but inventive fashion (some outfits I'd LOVE to have myself); the exhibit had an intriguing flow and we went for the Friday night party replete with live opera, jazz, cocktails and fashion show to highlight this only in SF (in the US) exhibit.

4/14 and 4/15 - Old musicals at the Castro Theatre: Gene Kelly day and Fred & Ginger day; I was weaned on classic films from a mother who knows everything about them, imparting her extensive knowledge to me; it was a delight to see these classics again, especially on the big screen in such a historic theater as the Castro; they played "On the Town" & "Singin' in the Rain" (Kelly) and "Top Hat" & "Swing Time" (Astaire & Rogers); Gene Kelly is still my favorite dancer in film history: such athletic, manly agility, accompanied by graceful precision.

4/27 - SF Film Festival, "Black Sheep"; hardly 'high culture', this New Zealand horror movie about bio-engineered sheep attacking a farm community in NZ was more disgusting hilarity than anything else. I'll never see sheep the same way again.

5/4 - Thelonious Monk & John Coltrane Carnegie Hall concert played by Joshua Redman, Brad Mehldau, Christian McBride and Brian Blade at Herbst Theatre; some of our favorite jazz musicians (and the best living today) playing music of our favorite jazz musicians of the past in a rare SF Jazz Fest show. Brilliant, unbelievable musicianship... enthralling; we have the CD of Monk & Coltrane playing this show originally in the 50's so it was genius to see it recreated here by such profoundly skilled musicians. We went with Schram, 'Tash and her family - it is sweet to share with friends who appreciate it as we do.

5/18 - The incomparable Regina Carter at Yoshi's; Dan and I had a perfect 'date' here. Her avant-garde arrangements, particularly of "Little Brown Jug" and "Georgia, On My Mind" mesmerized us; she is even better live than on her CDs with violin playing so pristine and clear - not a hint of a mistake; her fellow musicians a delight (clarinet, piano, upright bass, drums); their joy in playing was obvious, enlivening the set.

5/19 - Bjork & Joanna Newsom; thanks, Brian & Liz, for taking us to hear one of my favorite performers, Bjork, and a new favorite of mine, Newsom. Again, the crowds were obnoxious, but the show & musicianship, riveting. Bjork is an enchanting pixie with her voice a luring siren, even as she moves into her 40's. As the electronic dance strains of her music escalates, it's trance-inducing and all you can do is move in childlike glee, as she does - she must be the best dancer ever as she has no slick, choreographed moves, rather, she's like a little girl just moving as she feels it. Newsom a uniquely skilled harpist and lyricist, even if her vocals are an 'acquired taste'.

There is more but this is but a taste of some of the events that have flavored my month with diverse richness.

Currently reading :
The Nasty Bits: Collected Varietal Cuts, Usable Trim, Scraps, and Bones
By Anthony Bourdain

spicy Luther

2007-04-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

My dear Amanda shared this spicy (for Luther) Martin Luther quote with me:

"Who loves not women, wine and song remains a fool his whole life long. Be a sinner and sin strongly, but more strongly have faith and rejoice in Christ. Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying.

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. Blood alone moves the wheels of history. For where God built a church, there the Devil would also build a chapel.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there. Peace if possible, truth at all costs. Pray, and let God worry."

Currently watching :
What's Up, Tiger Lily?

to ponder

2007-04-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

Some interesting things I have been reading lately...

"The Language of God" - Francis S. Collins (p. 42): "... while the long history of religious oppression and hypocrisy is profoundly sobering, the earnest seeker must look beyond the behavior of flawed humans in order to find the truth. Would you condemn an oak tree because its timbers had been used to build battering rams? Would you blame the air for allowing lies to be transmitted through it? Would you judge Mozart's The Magic Flute on the basis of a poorly rehearsed performance by fifth-graders? If you had never seen a real sunset over the Pacific, would you allow a tourist brochure as a substitute? Would you evaluate the power of romantic love solely in the light of an abusive marriage next door? No, a real evaluation of the truth of faith depends upon looking at the clean, pure water, not at the rusty container."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer: "Time lost is time when we have not lived a full human life, time unenriched by experience, creative endeavor, enjoyment and suffering."

Augustine's "Genesis" essay: "... it is a disgraceful and dangerous thing for an infidel to hear a Christian, presumably giving the meaning of Holy Scripture, talking nonsense on these topics; and we should take all mean to prevent such an embarrassing situation, in which people show a vast ignorance in a Christian and laugh it to scorn. The shame is not so much that an ignorant individual is derided, but the people outside the household of faith think our sacred writers held such opinions, and, to the great loss of those for whose salvation we toil, the writers of Scripture find a Christian mistaken in a field which they themselves know well and hear him maintaining his foolish opinions about our books, how are they going to believe those books and matters concerning the resurrection of the dead, the hope of eternal life, and the kingdom of heaven, when they think their pages are full of falsehoods on facts which they themselves have learned from experience in the light of reason?"

Currently reading : The Stream & the Sapphire By Denise Levertov

the soul should stand ajar

2007-04-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

"The soul should always stand ajar. Ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." - Emily Dickinson

i am ready
... but imprisoned
too frail for earthly values and structures
that weigh heavier until my spirit is crushed
from seemingly meaningless matter such as work
daily conformity
societal structures
a cruel word
or demanding schedule

"The work of art which I do not make, none other will ever make it." - Simone Weil

So how do I make it?
Leave my mark?
Take the bottled-up passion and explode into final fullness?
Is the afterlife beyond death the only place where this can be?

Currently reading : If Grace Is True: Why God Will Save Every Person; By Philip Gulley

taste and see

2007-04-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Beautiful thoughts from Chapter 9 of "Take This Bread", by Sara Miles; mirrors my thoughts and current state:

"[The stories of Jesus both pre and post resurrection, eating and meeting with people - revealing himself in bread and wine] point to ... a radically inclusive love that accompanied people in the most ordinary of actions - eating, drinking, walking - and stayed with them, through fear, even past death. That love meant giving yourself away, emrbacing outsiders as family, empyting yourself to feed and live for others. The stories illuminated the holiness located in mortal human bodies, and the promise that people could see God by cherishing all those different bodies the way God did. They spoke of a communion so much vaster than any church could contain: one I had sensed all my life could be expressed in the sharing of food, particularly with strangers..."

"Conversion isn't... a moment. It's a process, and it keeps happening, with cycles of acceptance and resistance, epiphany and doubt... I began to understand why so many people chose to be 'born-again' and follow strict rules that would tell them what to do, once and for all. It was tempting to rely on formula... that became itself a form of idolatry and kept you from experiencing God in your flesh, in the complicated flesh of others. It was tempting to proclaim yourself 'saved' and go back to sleep.

The faith I was finding was jagged and more difficult. It wasn't about abstract theological debates: Does God exist? Are sin and salvation predestined? Or even about political/idealogical ones: Is capital punishment a sin? Is there a scriptural foundation for accepting homosexuality?

It was about action. Taste and see, the Bible said, and I did. I was tasting a connection between communion and food - between my burgeoning religion and my real life. My first, questioning year at church ended with a question whose urgency would propel me into work I'd never imagined: Now that you've taken the bread, what are you going to do?"

Currently listening : Underneath the Stars By Kate Rusby

foodie heaven

2007-04-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

As she shares of faith, food and feeding as a spiritual act, local San Franciscan Sara Miles, mentions the heavenly 'foodieness' of San Francisco... so true.

"San Francisco was possibly the most food-obssessed place in America. My brother had left New York restaurant work to become executive chef at a culinary school in Vermont. His interns begged to work in San Francisco; his graduates settled gratefully among the oyster fanatics and organic strawberry farmers. San Francisco's fanciest restaurants had become glamorized as high culture, with chefs as local pundits and celebrities. Even neighborhood cafes offered baby mache salad and grilled fennel, lavender creme brulee and pedigreed beef. All over the city, gleaming botique markets displayed the perfect organic peach, the rarest handmade goat cheese, twelve different kinds of artisanal bread. There were stores that sold only chocolates or only virgin olive oil or only rare coffees. It was foodie heaven." - "Take This Bread", by Sara Miles

Currently Watching: Who Killed the Electric Car?

building a kingdom

2007-03-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

yes, the scars still show
remnants of brutal crushing of ideals
of faith that words reflected the heart of its utterers

years past and present
collide in a sea of well-meaning, yet shattered promises
brushing over a willing servant for flashier, needier souls

but the call must be solitary
before it can ever be for all... corporately
to lead, one must act in the middle of a sea of rejection

to forgive... the path of freedom
to create what was lacking before
making space for those who want just what you could not find

the ever-present wounds are watered
by the few who at core remain true
who dream big but take the small steps we frail humans must take

together

to reach a land bigger than we can realize alone

Currently Listening to:The Milk-Eyed Mender - By Joanna Newsom

making room for vastly great

2007-03-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

"naked and on my knees
years of good enough were callously stripped away
an angel took mercy and held my hand
fear not my love
good was merely insulating you... from vastly great."
- Kristen Jongen

Stripping down to make way for the great is hellish agony... yet I cannot go back to compromise, even for good things, anymore. It is like being unfaithful to do the things 'of old'; tormenting me so that I cannot go back to what once comforted, desperately as I want to retreat oft times.

I can only plunge ahead into unchartered territory, unsure where it will lead but knowing that I must leap if I am ever to fly.

Currently reading : The Secret Message of Jesus: Uncovering the Truth that Could Change Everything By Brian McLaren

Paula West at the Plush Room

2007-03-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

Every year I look forward to Paula West's month at the Plush Room. My favorite jazz singer to hear live... and a Bay Area local... it's a magical experience every time - and I've seen her once, if not twice a year for six years. Her voice may not be an Ella or Billie or Sarah (who is these days, really?), but it is well crafted, honed and robust. Her articulation and craft is immaculate... and her song selection unbeatable.

That's my favorite part about the whole thing: waiting to see what she will sing next. Other than her infamous, "The Snake", her encore for every performance (sometimes accompanied by "The Ides of March", which both she & Jane Monheit seem to be known for singing), her song list is different every year. Never the same songs twice.

Variety is the spice of life for me... and, so it seems, for her. She'll sing the classic jazz standards, occasionally well known, often obscure, but she'll surprise by throwing in a Bob Dylan ("Mr. Tambourine Man"), Johnny Cash ("I Walk the Line"), Hank Williams ("Honky Tonkin") tune. Or an Irish ditty ("The Bonnie Banks of Loch Lomond"). Or songs from a Broadway musical ("Trouble" from "The Music Man", "I Have Dreamed" from "The King & I"). All of these in fresh, original jazz arrangements. I don't know who does her arrangements as she plays with a different band every year: this year's George Mesterhazy Trio may have been the best I've seen her with yet (he's a brilliant pianist; his middle Eastern sounding arrangement of "Nature Boy" is chillingly good).

Always surprising, I wait with bated breath for what will come next. As I am one weaned on classic literature, music, even TV (all shows I watched were 1960's and prior)... each song is not only a step back to my childhood but also a step into melody that I hold so dear.

Music is the great love of my life - it's always been true. And I am no respecter of styles: I embrace it ALL. Still, there is something about jazz that is more haunting, enchanting, seductive, soothing, mesmerizing, relaxing and transporting than any other style. These nights at the intimate (if overpriced) Plush Room, what a jazz club should be, are magic for me... and I was privileged to relive it twice this February, first with Dan, then with Manka and Chelsea.

The funny part is, I keep running into Paula West frequently around town. I never say anything to her - not sure what I would say anyway - but it's interesting that I have seen her a good 5 or 6 times this year: sat next to her at the bar at NoPa, saw her at Westfield Shopping Centre, another time at Neiman Marcus and then ate breakfast at a table next to her at Dottie's this weekend. We're either fated to meet or it's just a coincidence of people with good taste colliding in our fair city.

Currently reading : Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela By Nelson Mandela

night walk

2007-02-19T21:00:00.000-08:00

A gorgeous weekend... we had a spectacular Saturday in Napa with Scott & Louise. Breathtakingly beautiful and warm all day long. The two hour talk on the front porch of the brilliant Victorian house of St. Clement Winery drinking a bottle of buttery Chardonnay while talking of faith, church, life, was the highlight of a perfect day.

Today, Dan and I roamed our city. We slept in and ate banana pancakes I made, then had a leisurely, long Italian lunch at Perbacco in the Financial District. Afterwards, we went to SF MOMA since we have free membership through Genentech to go any time. It was nice to head in for an hour just to check out the latest exhibits (a Picasso exhibit opens next week so we must return soon.)

There was a fabulous photography exhibit of Henry Wessel, a California artist (born in NJ) with a simple, clean style approaching what might seem like every day, bland subjects: tract housing, run down homes, people waiting in line, bushes, etc... Yet there is a haunting quality coupled with realism in his photos. Something very magical, especially in the "Night Walk" series, my favorite. It completely captures the spirit of a moonlit walk, so many fairy-like walks I've had, through neighborhoods at night: the glow emanating from each house, literally taunting me to come inside; the stark outline of trees against the night sky, illuminated by the moon. In my childhood, I'd take night walks often, in Orange County and in New Jersey, with the gentle stillness of the nighttime hours soothing me as each home settled in to sleep. I love these walks still, especially now in my own neighborhood with its gorgeous Victorians, unique homes, delightful corners and unexpected views from the hills. "Night Walk" captures the enchantment exquisitely. I found a website that shows these photos and others of Wessel's: www.renabranstengallery.com/wessel.html.

Wessel reminded me how much I enjoy Robert Doisneau's photography. I know some of his photos are so popular it borders on cliche to be a fan, but I am enveloped by the romantic, lyrical, beauty of his work: www.robertdoisneau.com.

We finished the afternoon sitting overlooking Yerba Buena Gardens with the glowing sun warming us, the surreal blue of the sky encompassing, the soothing downpour of the waterfalls, the birds bathing in the pool, people laying in the sun, reading a book, talking with friends, children splashing in the water. It is good to be alive and be warmed not only from without but from within by our Creator who crafted all of this simple, profound beauty.

Currently watching : The Science of Sleep

wait

2007-02-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

From my dear Annie Dillard's "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek", a soul book of mine for more than ten years now:

"You don't run down the present, pursue it with baited hooks and nets. You wait for it, empty-handed, and you are filled. You'll have fish left over."

These lines hit me as a promise of hope back in 2000 when I had finally started dating Dan and was so afraid and unsure of where it would all lead. They are a promise to me again now as I wait, rather than run down, the uncertain but strangely freeing present... wait for the woods to open up to wild meadows and cliff side vistas.

Wait. It is coming.

the essential for the trivial

2007-02-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

I love what C.S. Lewis' stepson, Douglas Gresham, said about him when being interviewed in Christianity Today for the book he published last year on his insight into "Jack's Life":

CT: Americans have latched on to C. S. Lewis, and yet here's a guy who was a chain smoker, who liked his pints, who told ribald jokes, and in general, wouldn't fit what we think of as the "typical evangelical." And yet we've all wrapped our arms around him. Why is that?
Gresham: One of the reasons is that through the—if you can excuse the expression—the bullshit that has come to be taken so seriously in American Christianity, through all of that, they can still see the essential truth that Jack represented. The problem with evangelical Christianity in America today, a large majority of you have sacrificed the essential for the sake of the trivial. You concentrate on the trivialities—not smoking, not drinking, not using bad language, not dressing inappropriately in church, and so on. Jesus doesn't give two hoots for that sort of bullshit. If you go out and DO Christianity, you can smoke if you want, you can drink if you want—though not to excess, in either case.

Amen!

Currently Listening: Begin to Hope - Regina Spektor

And yet...

2007-02-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

Reading Wendell Berry poetry again today and this passage from his "Sabbaths" series (2000) hits me powerfully, capturing the hope on the other side of despair:

XI
Days without strength or hope,
days that pay the cost
of the always losing battle
that is never lost, and yet
in no foreseeable lifetime
is ever to be won. "And yet,"
I say again to myself,
"And yet.. . "

Currently watching : Conversations with Other Women

the wild sea

2007-02-08T16:20:00.000-08:00

A beautiful day with our dear McClellands... their family is in town and we enjoyed a day of pursuits together, from lunch on the beach, to watching the Queen Mary sail in, to the Super Bowl at Scott & Louise's place.

Scott's sermon was excellent this morning - about my long-held belief of God NOT being contained in any of the boxes we all put God in, even some of the good ones. I've written a number of poems about this from a young age, so it obviously connected with me right away. He shared images of God a few steps of ahead of where we've landed and settled, doing the next thing, in unexpected places, through people or things we didn't know God would move through. A truth I know well from experience in my short life thus far, but one I am thankful to be constantly reminded of... especially in this time of transition, loss, letting go of structures that have not helped, mostly hindered, despite the fact that I love people in those structures, know them inside and out, and do not want to let go of the safety of trying to make it work within them. But as always, tiring and frightening as it is, I know I must let go, release, set out to the wide open sea where God is working marvelous storms and beauty. Now is a whole new level of release and uncertainty.

I hate to leave many I love at the shore, realizing that I haven't figured "it" out anyway and must remember they're on their own journey, too, even at the shoreline. But I do know for a fact, as I always have, that God is not found in safety, sameness, complacency or in conformity to structures when the wild sea is calling.

Currently reading: "When the Powers Fall" by Walter Wink
Currently listening : "Freefall" By Kenny Barron & Regina Carter

Las Vegas

2007-02-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

A welcome change of pace and a birthday celebration for my Dannee... we escaped on a Wednesday from work to fly to Vegas and get a gorgeous suite at the Venetian for a third of its normal price (thank you American Express for the deal!) A living room, large bathroom with marble tub and glass shower, TVs in both the living room and bedroom - perfect.

Neither of us had been to Vegas in ten years and we remembered why: too fake, flashy, obnoxious, overpriced, lacking in anything real. YET... it was a mixture of hate and delight as we enjoyed the decadence of Sin City. We could wait another ten years to go back but it still was over the top fun for a couple days.

The first night we stayed out till 2am exhausting ourselves by walking around and checking out all the hotels that are new since we were last there... the fountains at the Bellagio were among my favorite things about the whole trip. Mesmerizing, we watched at least five or six shows over these couple days ... I could have watched more. The second night we came back to our room after a long, wonderful dinner and got hot chocolate and exquisite chocolates downstairs in our hotel, then took them up to our room where we ate & drank chocolate in bed while watching Letterman and late night TV. An ideal night.

Our favorite hotels were the Wynn Las Vegas, Mandalay Bay (best food strip - so many big chefs in one spot) and the Venetian. The ultra-modern lake at the Wynn was not only the backdrop to two of our three dinners, but was the perfect spot to sit with mojitos on the deck overlooking the stunning lights and flowing water under heat lamps. That is, until weird, random things popped out of the lake every half hour to remind you you were in Vegas: such as a giant frog who sang "What a Wonderful World" - Louis' version. Strange and whimsical.

Despite the overpriced ridiculousness of Vegas restaurants, we had some fabulous meals in stunning dining rooms (knowing me, I thoroughly researched ahead of time to try and narrow down some of the best reviewed).

For Lunch, we dined at:
- Spago at Cesar's Palace (not our choice but last minute resort as a lot of lunch spots were closed since we flew in mid-afternoon): excellent gourmet pizza
- Burger Bar at Mandalay Bay (our local SF Fluer de Lys chef, Hubert Keller's creative burger joint - fun and hearty; mmm Blue Cheese Burger)
- Mesa Grill at Cesar's Palace (the famous Food Network chef Bobby Flay's Southwestern/Mexican restaurant - excellent tamales, the best pumpkin soup I've ever had!)

Dinner:
- Bartolotta Ristorante di Mare in Wynn Las Vegas (incredible seafood flown in fresh every day from Mediterranean; TOO expensive but a delightful, one-of-a-kind experience; the lobster/crab/langoustine pasta was to die for!)
- Okada in the Wynn (sleek Japanese/sushi restaurant at the base of man made lake and waterfalls; great sushi, though not as good as in SF, and robata grill along with your token top-notch miso cod dish)
- Delmonico Steakhouse in the Venetian (Emeril's steakhouse for Dan! Insanely huge, juicy steak; banana bread pudding with oreo ice cream; addictive beer, steak & cheese fondue with homemade pretzel sticks to dip in it)

We had breakfast one morn at Pinot Brassiere in the Venetian and brought pastries & foamy cappucinos into bed the second morning from Bouchon (our local Thomas Keller's spot). Drinks were had at some sleek bars including the Napoleon Cigar Lounge in Paris Las Vegas and at the Wynn/Parasol Up.

All in all, a memorable escapade mid-week to celebrate my Dan.

Currently watching : Da Ali G Show - Da Compleet Seereez

Mamacita Restaurant Review

2007-01-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

The biggest downside to any restaurant in the Marina, is the Marina crowds/ clientele. If you can get past that, or better yet, go to Mamacita early or on a weeknight, then you will have some of the best, most creative Mexican food in the city.

The tacos are tiny, though you do get three per order. But they are exquisite! Not your hearty, authentic Mission District tacos, but traditional with an experimental presentation. The fish tacos are some of the best I've ever tasted, even in Mexico, but each taco (pork, steak, prawn, etc...) is richly layered with flavors - a surprisingly perfect taste with each bite. Seafood dishes are top notch. The tequila selection, and the flights especially, are pleasing. The margaritas are strong - but not as good as the margaritas at former Cafe Marimba that was in this space.

For creative Mexican, you won't find better in the city - it's slightly better than Maya and Colibri. I am already dreaming about more of those tacos...

Currently reading : Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany By Bill Buford

a long night's journey into day

2007-01-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

"A Long Night's Journey Into Day"... beautiful title (a reversal of the classic story of the opposite name). A stirring, painful documentary on post-apartheid South Africa and the TRC (Truth and Reconciliation Commission). Watching just four of the thousands of stories of horror and pursuit towards healing from the apartheid years was draining and challenging. The final story: a group of mothers who forgave the slaughterer of their sons - a staged death of many young men for political gain - when they weren't sure if they had it in them to even try to forgive. It was raw, and one of the most Christlike moments possible. You know when you see it in action... and it leaves you stunned.

Currently reading : Between Noon and Three: Romance, Law, and the Outrage of Grace By Robert Farrar Capon

goodbyes

2007-01-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

some friends touch your life for merely a season or in one area of your life... others, much fewer, are lifelong and touch multiple areas.

my girl has returned to australia and there is a gap where her sweet spirit, refreshing authenticity and realism, truly unconditional acceptance and "cheering on" were. not to mention one who loves food, writing, poetry and beauty, and sought those out with me. i have a wealth of friends here and around the world - have connected with too many people to count, in one way or another. i have my lifelong kindreds, about four of them, who are the closest of the close, spread around the country, anita being the longest and most kindred of friendships over my lifetime.

but when a precious friend is lost where you live, there is a gap, a hole, that yet another long distance relationship won't assuage. there is strength from all too rare support that disappears. those nights of long meals and wine, heart to heart talks, shared poetry, tears, favorite films and shows... will have to end. no person is replaceable. there is room for more but there cannot be a replacement.

here's to the time we had and to those who have remained faithful over the years.

Currently watching : The Illusionist

A poem for Kristy before she leaves, 1-15-07
Golden
in smile and heart
She conveys openness
through arms of acceptance
believing
when you cannot
believe
in your own goodness,
cheering on your plans
cradling pains
sharing hopes

Unexpectedly she came
as a supporter of what is most dear
a ray of light in dark night
a partner in creative dreams
a reminder of who you are
when it feels as if no one can see

She is a gift of God
on that will never be forgotten

dannee's birthday

2007-01-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

the surprise birthday party and gift from friends and family all around the country is still coming. as is the flashy, 'live-it-up' vegas trip (neither of us have been there in a decade) to wine-and-dine in a great hotel (got a deal) to celebrate his big 3-0 ...

but, today, his actual birthday is a day of spontaneously simple pleasures. the sun illuminates the rich, blue bay area sky. we head to the ocean, as if instinctually. on such a pristine day, it radiates. the waves are wild and massive, crashing over every rock with a loud bang. dan's new camera takes gorgeous pictures with fine details of sea spray and water rivulets.

breakfast at the cliff house bistro is surprisingly perfect: ocean view, warm atmosphere, lots of fresh crab, an eye-opening bloody mary (for dan) and soothing pisco sour (for me).

photos on the rocks, feeling the spray on our faces, warmed by the sun, we then progress to golden gate park for more photos, more beauty - lush, green, moist.

we went to the de young museum because we still hadn't been. it was time we did: a museum to be proud of in our city. fascinating architecture, interesting layout, and top notch art collection. the current Ruth Asawa exhibit, "contours in the air", was oddly enchanting. the view from the tower of the park, bay and bridge was yet another stunning SF panorama.

as the sun began to set, we sat on the lawn in front of the conservatory of flowers, catching the last patch of sun on the grass, for a hearty cigar smoke and more photos capturing the smoke snaking through the air from dan's mouth.

though it was his birthday, dan had written me a long love letter of the old fashioned kind: heart professions, the history of our love magnified by the fact that it grows only better with time, the oneness of our souls. the perfect birthday gift to me as we sat there on the grass... always thinking of me, a heart of true unselfishness, he is a man who deserves so much. and i want him to have it all ... and more.

Currently reading : What Jesus Meant By Garry Wills

Everybody's Waiting

2007-01-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

The final episode of what has been the most powerful viewing experience, Six Feet Under. Dan and I watched the final episodes last night with Skylar who has likewise been dramatically impacted by it. It feels tragically sad to end it and leave these characters who have become like friends, reminding you painfully at times of your own family, your own fears.

Claire's final drive across the country from LA to New York as Sia's haunting "Breathe Me" plays is a perfect ending. Nate whispers in her ear as she takes a photo of the family, "You can't capture this moment... it's already gone". The tears flow as this evocative phrase is exemplified by the lives and deaths of her entire family, and her own self, passing before her eyes as she drives the open road. The swiftness of death. How we are old even as we are young.

Nate also says to her that morning as she awakes, "Come on... everybody's waiting." The one comfort in this brief vapor of life as we know it, is that they will be waiting for us when we cross over to the other side.

Currently reading: "The Life You Save May Be Your Own" by Paul Elie

sharing the ache

2006-12-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

his tears
are my tears

his ache for family
for childhood, the past
also mine

in the comfort of our bed
we cry together

we feel the hole
of incompleteness
the swift approach of death

united we hold the eternal ache
and wait for its fulfillment

Currently reading : Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith By Barbara Brown Taylor

two nights

2006-11-30T10:21:00.000-08:00

a cottage of wood-paneled walls
garden views and cozy intimacy
like a mountain retreat in the city

strung with lights
redolent with coffee aroma
warm with the bodies of friends

surrounding the table
feasting while Elvis sings about Christmas
sharing stories tender from our past

laughter uncontrollable
understanding familial quirks
bonding as family ourselves

in another night, repeated regularly,
we three congregate in our living rooms
giddy with wine

finding each other hilarious,
witty, delightful
simmering with jokes and possibility

sharing the confusion of waiting
the pain of loss
is as acceptable as laughter

and both happen
over "Sex and the City"
over martinis and chocolate

on a simple weeknight
where we accept all that we are
and love it completely

Restaurant Review: The Front Porch

2006-11-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

The Front Porch, Mission District, San Francisco (http://thefrontporchsf.com/)

In the pouring rain on a blustery Monday night, we entered a packed new neighborhood restaurant, The Front Porch, in the Outer Mission half a block from the incomparable Mitchell’s Ice Cream. Tucked into what looks like the bottom floor of a house with a front patio (as opposed to a porch) of rocking chairs and tables, the heat inside enveloped us as we ducked in out of the wild wind and rain.

For a Monday night, the place was packed and festive, requiring a 30 minute wait for a table. They only take reservations for groups of five or more so thankfully, with a group, we were seated right away and set up with an affordable carafe of Pinot Noir. The décor was eclectic, funky, yet laid back with warm, candlelit ambience. The welcoming atmosphere was slightly marred by the cacophonous din, requiring leaning in close to be heard.

Pondering the menu, it read as “upscale Southern comfort food” without the upscale prices, the most expensive item being $15, with most entrees around $11. The collard greens with tomatoes, onions and lightly fried potato ‘poppers’ were satisfying though slightly underwhelming. There was nothing exciting about the dish, no distinctive flavor, merely a straightforward, decent presentation of vegetables.

A bigger hit was red bean and coconut soup with spicy avocado mash. The mash was barely spicy, but the dish satisfied in textured beans with a hint of coconut offset by creamy avocado. Addictive and interesting, it raised the expectation level for our entrees.

Moving on to sweet corn grit porridge with Dungeness crab, habanero, lemon and scallion, we could barely finish the large, filling plate. An appetizer and the entrée were plenty for two accompanied by tasty, complimentary corn mini-muffin-like bread. The crab was fresh and sweet, soaked in lemon and scallion, but the dish had almost too much porridge without enough contrast or spice from the nearly non-existent habanero. Still, the overall effect was gratifying and well worth the price.

My vegetarian friend was delighted to find the daily vegan/vegetarian options in an otherwise meat-laden entrée selection. The option was a butternut squash dish with various roasted vegetables, flavorful and hearty.

We ordered the dessert special: a chocolate, peanut butter and banana “fried” sandwich, which seemed to be just some bread with chocolate, PB, banana and whipped cream rather than actually fried. The chocolate was dark, the peanut butter rich, but the bread a bit dry. The Southern “fried” sandwich we were hoping for was not what we were presented with.

A disappointing ending to what was a patchy yet very promising meal. It is immensely better than its overrated sister restaurant, Emmy’s Spaghetti Shack, which is lauded as a ‘hipster’ neighborhood spot, heavy on atmosphere but after multiple visits provides nothing but bland, boring food and obnoxious noise level. The Front Porch is already a huge improvement: cozy, interesting, and affordable with the rare SF option of eclectic Southern American food (thankfully, becoming more popular of late), making me desperately want this local spot to succeed. Having only been open a few months, one hopes that the “kinks” will be worked out and the magic suggested by its warm, intimate glow and front patio rocking chairs will carry over into consistent food … an ideal neighborhood treasure.

Where are you?

2006-11-13T10:07:00.000-08:00

After hearing Brian McLaren speak at Grace Cathedral yesterday - so humble yet with prophetic voice and open clarity:

If only there were more like him in my city: open, hungry, still evolving no matter what age, reaching the deepest, freest, most honest parts of faith and life as they mature, rather than becoming more dogmatic or 'comfortable'.

If only there were more like him to partner with, dialogue, seek, wait and be whatever we may be on that journey towards authentic, beyond- slogans-and-Christian-culture faith. Faith that affects all parts of oneself, not the parts that feel 'safe' to show. Rather than the constant effort and emotional attempts towards 'being stirred and on fire' towards revival that lead to little or no character change or healing of the heart, but more often to disappointment when one finds themselves unchanged and still not seeing revival, I crave the effort of faithfulness, to be honest wherever one is at, to seek God's face whether absolutes are shaken or even dissolving, to wait before God and just be, not have to prove anything with any effort, even prayer, to know that grace is a lot more encompassing than we even dared hope.

Where are you postmodern, emergent leaders who do not need or want even those labels but who cannot remain in the confining box of modernism and consumer Christianity? Those who cannot continue on with status quo of organized church and Christianese another day or it will kill your spirit? Those who must seek fresh, authentic ways of expressing faith - not more words, but more of a heart transformation towards freedom and acceptance of others and yourself. Where are you? If we could share our hearts and journeys, this gaping loneliness of evolving faith would not disappear but it might find a path of flesh and bone in our city. I know you're out there by the thousands ... I read your thoughts online, your books, hear your speeches (like McLaren's yesterday). But I find so few of you in my day-to-day, in my city: it seems as if we are still alone, longing for kindreds in the midst of blindness and complacency masquerading as 'faith on fire' yet without substance.

upon reading Wendell Berry

2006-11-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

“Works of art participate in our lives; we are not just distant observers of their lives. They are in conversation among themselves and with us. This is a part of the description of human life; we do the way we do partly because of things that have been said to us by works of art, and because of things we have said in reply.” - Wendell Berry's "Style and Grace" Essay

What a beautiful thought! Reading Wendell Berry essays (I'm reading: "What Are People For?") is always thought-provoking in areas of religion, the environment and US and world economies. Essays such as "Why I won't buy a computer" can initially seem immature or irrational but stir interesting thought and responses (that particular article was published in "Harper's" and received almost all negative responses). His essay, "God and Country", expresses well how the Church at large buys into the same economy as corporations - it must to keep its organization/structure alive, thus drawing the line between "ministry" and 'other' Christians who must serve God 'in their spare time'. That ever present separation of sacred and secular; to spiritualize those who use excessive God/Jesus language (i.e. those who make the name trite or shallow due to overuse or not meaningul use) and acts that serve the Church structure, if not the actual community (local or world) or 'the body'.

"... ‘full-time Christian service’, which the churches of my experience have used exclusively to refer to ministry, thereby once making of the devoted life a religious specialty or career and removing the possibility of devotion from other callings. Thus the $50,000-a-year preacher is a ‘full-time Christian servant’, whereas a $20,000 or a $10,000-a-year farmer, or a farmer going broke, so far as the religious specialists are concerned, must serve ‘the economy’ in his work or in his failure and serve God in his spare time. The professional class is likewise free to serve itself in its work and to serve God by giving the church its ten percent. The churches in this way excerpt sanctity from the human economy..." - "God & Country"

It is interesting how Christians often lift up those who devote their time to prayer or the church or even a missionary who is out "saving souls" as most holy, while those doing practical work to meet needs either physical or emotional, actually 'feeding and clothing Christ', are overworked and unrecognized, with few to partner with them. Acts of love are every bit, if not more, sacred in the difficult drudgery of the day-to-day, not just in grand acts, 'ministry' settings or when able to be seen by others.

Having worked for some years in ministries myself, where this feeding and clothing was actually happening, as were a lot of other clearly contrary acts to the message of Christ (as it is in any group of people), even having spent months doing life-altering work in remote slums or third world villages, none of it is quite as character-building or powerful as learning to give that love in my daily 'grind', in my own household, to difficult acquaintances and friends, on the streets outside your door, and sometimes hardest of all, in finally accepting vs. loathing yourself.

The economy of grace and love is here at every moment. The most sacred is right in front of us, not in hours of prayer or service, though these can be healthy, important pieces of our lives. They are never the whole, though, nor even our closest moments to our Creator. If we would but open our eyes, we'd see God in the 'insignificant' now, right in front of us, and we would weep with the sheer beauty and the immense possibility to give love... and receive it... in every humble moment.

"Doubt"

2006-11-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

Last night was the opening of the play "Doubt" at the Golden Gate Theater. One of Dan's favorite playwrights, John Patrick Shanley, won the Pulitzer for it last year, while Cherry Jones won a best actress Tony.

The original cast was here in San Fran following their Broadway run - so we had to enjoy the rare opportunity to see the NY cast. Jones was perfect in mannerisms, accent, expression and restraint. A transformation from other characters she has played in film or TV, one both harsh and sympathetic.

Her role exemplified the spirit of the play in general: the duality of each person, the dark and light existent in the same heart. The cancer of suspicision and gossip is clearly displayed... as is the absolutely righteous nature of justice and calling for the truth.

In the complicated reaches of the church, the possible molestation of a choir boy by the priest initially seems to be another scathing indictement of the church's sexual wrongs. Yet the play was nothing of the sort. It was a rich, layered exploration of the capability for error in each of us, the well meaning mixed with the downright awful, the doubt that lurks in even the most confident, certain mind.

When the audience frequently gasps in a play with no greater action than conversation in a church, you know it is well written and acted. One of the best plays we've seen (along with the incredible "Jesus Hopped the 'A' Train" - the best), with all the acclaim I suspect the translation to film is possible - and could be as riveting a film as a play.

in the tower

2006-10-30T09:57:00.000-08:00

"Eat... Pray... Love", by Elizabeth Gilbert. I picked it up at the library a few weeks ago intially because of the title - the subject matter of food, travel and spiritual discovery encapsulates key passions. If I didn't like it, I would just return it and not bother finishing. At first, it seemed potentially trite, bordering on cheesy throughout. But Gilbert's frank, simple honesty would suddenly pierce through just as I was starting to lose interest. I speedily finished it on our trip to the South, finding it speaking rather specifically to me at moments on the path of renewal, confirmation and release I am walking.

Oddly enough, without ever having discussed the book with her, I find Kristy is reading it, too. A 'conicidence' of kindreds. As she and I had a long dinner at my favorite Incanto on Thursday, we discussed the themes of surging freedom in our lives that are both frightening in their borderless horizons and thrilling in their possibility. Fear of what 'they' will think is still paramount. Rejection of past paradigms is a real concern. Staying 'true' while no longer holding on to worry about what it looks like to anyone but God is the hope. Letting go of the structure that enslaves while standing on its platform to build fresh, wildly varied expression is the final frontier. If only openness wasn't condemned, this territory might not be dreaded to such an extent. I am fearing it less and less.

Wines, rich grains and cheeses, silky panna cotta stimulated the Incanto outpouring. As Gilbert was in the tower in India all night until she finally released her loss, her pain, her forgiveness, her vulnerability, so I have known enclosed, protective spaces meant to nurture me but actually keeping me from my heart's deepest desire and constant prayer: freedom. In the tower I face release. Soon ready to come down. Gilbert's book only hints at but represents a small piece of the freedom that comes from forgiveness and acceptance of not only all... but of yourself.

Real Sunday

2006-10-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

My favorite days: days of honest, soul-to-soul engagement and revelatory insights. Early morn brought the Eucharist at Grace Cathedral. Intimate compared to the 11am service in the cavernous, breath-taking space, the early Eucharist arranges seating in the choir area, making for a face-to-face, interactive experience. I don't know what it is but every time I am at Grace, I fight back the tears. I sense the presence of the Creator in a tangible way, connecting with the past, reaching towards the future. Somehow the name of Christ, over-used, abused and trivialized in most Christian circles, holds an unexpected beauty and tenderness here... as if new, revered, not overworn, marketed, for personal agenda.

With Scott and Louise, Dan and I walked to the quirky, darling Red Door Cafe. We talked for two hours over crispy french toast, huevos and cappucinos. It was the usual stimulating discussion of faith, the Church, leadership, our post-modern culture, frustrations and revelations. We sealed the discussion with a walk around Nob Hill, slipping into hotels to peek at the Tonga Room, savor the spectacular view from Top of the Mark, feel the woody warmth of the Big 4 bar at the Huntington. Scott and Louise are just what we have prayed for for years...

Back to Grace Cathedral to hear one of my all time favorite authors, Anne Lamott, speak. This is the third time I've heard her and truly it was the best. With more time and an interactive setting, she rambled, read excerpts from the book she is working on, was hilarious and profound. She tends to be fiercely political, exceptionally honest about her rage with recent miracles of grace overtaking these areas. What stays with me most, especially at this forum, is her blatant, simple need to be herself and not harbor guilt and shame over it. To realize she will not please or appeal to everyone, will piss off many, enrage a few, delight and inspire others, but in the end, she must be true and know deep within that she is accepted and loved by God, no matter what anyone else thinks. Not just know it but know it. Anne handled herself with humility and the usual self-deprecation but I also saw a stronger sense of peace emanating from her than in past years. It represented what I have been feeling in recent days, what I have been praying my 30's would be like and what I have been reaching for since I lost my audacity as a girl… to fully come home, knowing complete acceptance from my Source which then allows me to be freely and unashamedly myself while giving that same space to others.

From there, Karen M. and I went to the Persimmon Café in the TenderNob, talking (and crying) for hours. As is always the case with her, a kindred in the realm of 'realness', the time was transparent, beyond the veil, no pretensions or masks needed. We cried tenderly over recent revelations whispered deep into our hearts. Of the growing strength and knowledge of who we are, fully loved, beautiful, how this is transforming us as it has moved beyond words and ideas into growing actuality. From a far off, desperate hope, it has become actual character change, agonizingly slow but exploding by leaps and spurts as we turn 30. Karen's brutal honesty and transparency speak life to me... as does her unadulterated adoration and support of me. She has been one of those exceptionally rare friends who actually sees me at core and speaks life to my core, even if we rarely see each other, each interaction brings this level of depth… such a gift.

I returned home at twilight, full from a long, rich day. As promised, I called Manka back as we'd talked about attending a poetry event this evening. We both needed to be home instead but ended up talking over an hour about community, 'realness', the continuous evolving of our faith.

Full to the brim with encouragement, I saw God through each person I connected with today. Not so much through their words as through their honesty as they journey towards whole acceptance, authentic faith beyond words and culture (that loathsome 'Christian bubble' culture). As we seek growth of the character and the soul. God reminded me through these interactions that despite evidence to the contrary (when those around are well-meaning but on totally different pages), I am not alone.

Haunted Savannah

2006-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Savannah, otherwise dubbed as "crazy pirate town" or "eerie ghost central" by Dan and myself, was a perfect last stop to our road trip. On the way, we stopped for a few hours on Hilton Head Island so Dan could golf (most national golfing tournaments are held on this famed, tiny island) and to roam the beach (the sand is so hard, people ride bikes on it!)

After the pristine beauty of Charleston, I expected something similar from Savannah (as people often compare the two) but found though they are both historical, impeccably preserved cities less than two hours from each other near the coast, they are radically different. They're in different states for one (SC and GA respectively). Where Charleston is pretty and colorful, Savannah is gritty and grey. Where Charleston is bright and a step back in time, Savannah is a mixture of old and modern with a moody, dark edge. Where Charleston has pirate stories (parks where public hangings of pirates took place), Savannah feels like a rough pirate town along River Street with historical restaurants/pubs with pirate carved tunnels underneath where pirates would drag men after drugging them to waiting ships to be endentured slaves.

The squares of Savannah (21 in all - one every few blocks layed out in a perfect grid) are beautifully dreamy, exuding a lazy, old world feel with their mossy trees and fountains. To truly experience Savannah, one need merely sit in the squares and watch.

We stayed at River Street Inn, a historical 'monument' at over 200 years old, with a lovely, high-ceilinged room overlooking the Savannah River. The river water is dirty with ports along it a prime spot for overseas cargo. Lined with industrial smokestacks and barges, it was not exactly asethetic but it was more than interesting. River Street itself is touristy, lined with crappy souvenir shops capitalizing on pirates and the over-hyped "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" (both book and film take place here).

But the cobblestoned street, waterfront benches, handful of riverboats, gas lamps, brick, grey, soot-stained buildings and balconies lining the street made us feel insanely out of time. Like gritty Disneyland for grown-ups. Especially with open alcohol policy! One can roam the streets of Savannah with a beer or glass of wine in hand, no paper bag required. We had to try it and so we did with Dan's artillery punch (a crazy story about that, like so many stories here).

Our character-rich hotel had a free, nightly wine and cheese 'hour' (rather two, from 5-7pm). With a big porch lined with white rocking chairs and fans overhead, you can guess where we spent every night in Savannah before heading out to dinner. We'd sit for two hours each night, wine or champagne in hand, Dan smoking a cigar, either reading, dreaming together, talking to other visitors at the hotel, or watching the sun set and the bustling crowds go by on River St.

Street musicians were top notch, our favorite being two African American guys, one middle-aged playing a guitar, one grandfatherly with a doo rag, sunglasses (at night) and a big white beard only along the sides his face. They had deep, sonorous voices bellowing out blues in harmony. The dancing of the grandpa was almost robotic mixed with a bit of sheer groove. He 'worked it' while the other guy mastered slide solos and smooth licks. We cheered them on from our porch one night which led the younger guy to come up and ask where we were from and why we were here. When we said for our anniversary, he said we had to come down and sit in front of them so they could serenade us with an "anniversary song", as he called it. We came down and sat face to face along the water as it got dark while they sang us a medley of Billy Ocean and Lionel Richie, blues style, complete with smooth groove robot dance moves from grandpa. We tried to contain the laughter, just loving every moment.

The graveyards! Oh, the graveyards! Straight out of the movies, they are the gothic, eerie dream you envision in any Poe tale or vampire story. Moss laden, elaborate statues either morbid or angelic, headstones faded since the 1700's, one headstone grew out of a huge oak tree, the creepy Little Gracie statue, Johnny Mercer's grave ... all in the unbelievable Bonaventure Cemetary a few minutes drive from downtown. A huge acerage peacefully quiet and still, it went on and on in the grey, misty midday light, holding death of the centuries in its earth.

Some our favorite meals were in Savannah: Bistro Savannah on Congress St. was the quintessential gourmet, neighborhood restaurant. Perfection. It would succeed brilliantly in San Fran as it was probably the best, most creative meal we had our whole trip. My duck with confit (juicy, flavorful, tender) had sweet potato squares, dried cherries, walnuts and a rich cherry sauce drizzled atop it along with fried collard greens (crispy and melt-in-your-mouth). It was heavenly. Dan's chicken was likewise tender and stuffed with gorgonzola, prosciutto and arugula. Our crab cake starter was all crab meat (no bread) and in a spicy green curry sauce with mango relish on top. Oh, I am dying to go back as I remember it! Sapphire Grill was our anniversary night dinner and almost as excellent as Bistro Savannah. I had a perfectly crusted halibut with lobster dumplings and an addictive sauce. Surprisingly the calamari appetizer was the best we'd ever had: fried ever so lightly, with a ginger coriander pesto ponzu, spicy peanuts & fresh lime juice. The Lady and Sons, of Food Network queen, Paula Deen, fame, was such an experience, it would require a separate story (the long early morning lines just to get a same day reservation, the cattle call to get in, the "come and get it!" lady, the overly buttered, but heavenly tasting Southern food that was probably the best traditional Southern cuisine we had the whole trip). Hoecakes, garlic cheese biscuits, fried green tomatoes, chicken pot pie (with huge phyllo mountains atop), massive crab cake, rice and beans cooked in ham hocks... it was all 'heart attack central' AND worth the hype. Gryphon Tea Room was an 1800's dining room with stained glass ceiling, modern decor and impeccable teas and coffees. We whiled away a couple hours journaling there.

For drinks and live jazz, we found two most incredible spots I wish I could take home with me. I would frequent the incomparable Planters Tavern in the basement of the Olde Pink House, built in 1771 with a pink stucco exterior and colonial British, partially underground bar. Low ceilinged, fire places on either end of the room, brick, wood, antique furniture and couches... it thrilled me immediately.

We sat on a couch by the fire listening to local legend, Gail Thurmond, who has been playing there almost nightly for over 15 years. A local book describes her as "endearingly elegant" but Dan and I would say more 'endearingly quirky' with such a smooth, elegant tenor to her vocals that belies her appearance. She's grey-haired and comfortably plump, looking like a midwest mom, except for her shaded heart-shaped glasses and red dress hinting at her inner 'sass'. Her voice flows out in soothing, clearly-articulated waves ... her piano stylings are completely her own. I could have watched her all night. As it was, with nowhere to be other than where we wanted to be, we sat there with our wine and Jack & Coke (guess who had which?) for a couple hours savoring Gail's gifted, unique interpretations of many of my favorite jazz standards as well as as jazz renditions of Beatles tunes and other eclectic offerings. She had a hilarious way of raising her fingers when she would recieve intermittent applause after her songs. When she raised two fingers (gazing out over her glasses) it was with a smile and nod as if to say "thank you kindly". When she raised one finger, she had a more serious look as if to say: "Hold off - I'm not done", or "Wait..." Odd and delightful. In the course of the hours, Dan and I became expert at interpreting her minimally alerted expressions ("this is something, this is nothing" as the SNL skit goes). I had to pull myself away from the cozy cellar tavern that will remain fondly preserved in my memory.

The second spot was the unreal Mansion at Forsyth Park ("this is where we're staying next time!" says Dan): Casmir's Lounge, upstairs in the 700 Drayton restaurant - it must be seen to be appreciated. A stunning mansion full of history, grand staircases, chandeliers, ridiculously high ceilings... like an art museum full of massive, eclectic paintings, decorated modern with tactile velvet, fur, marble and gold. Extensive leopard print appeared in pillows and paintings, accompanied by reds, purples, browns, greens. Each room proclaimed itself lush, unique, striking! (a small taste of the bar: www.mansiononforsythpark.com/700drayton/casimirs.asp - it looks much more intriguing in person, candlelit at night). The jazz band playing that night was superb: trombone led, with drums, upright bass and a brilliant, young pianist. Half white/half black, the band had chops AND style. There was a cozy patio outside on the second floor off the Lounge, packed with smokers and men in suits. We explored the house, marveling at the decor and layout. Downstairs was a Bosendorfer Lounge with three Bosendorfers in a wood paneled, nautical modern, water running down glass walls, tree branch decor bar with brown, hip couches. Dan was giddy about the Bosendorfers - but we missed the nightly music as it plays early as opposed to the late night upstairs jazz.

The night at the Forsyth Park mansion was our anniversary and it was haunting and beautiful... just like this city built over graveyards, full of quirks, oddities and a checkered past. We would gladly return.

Enchanting Charleston

2006-10-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

On October 7, we said goodbye to dear Adam & Kate and drove to Charleston in the pouring rain, passing through Columbia, SC, (yet another bleak city), where Hootie & the Blowfish are from (hilarious!) We had a laugh singing 'intensely' to "Hold My Hand" on the radio. They are proud of their Hootie.

We arrived that night around 9pm, heading straight to dinner at the cavernous, bar-like Coast; thrilled immediately by the mouth-watering, seafood heavy menu. We ordered a creamy crab dip, juicy lobster tails, and delicately prepared halibut. Everything was perfection! Our excitement for the coastal cities of 'meat' ... something we never tire of (though we did find we can get very tired of it FRIED). And Charleston does seafood right!

Indigo Girls were playing a show at a theatre right next to Coast (in the same alley), so we were able to hear the show crystal clear outside the side doors next to the stage. We listened a few minutes, sang along then walked the city streets.

The magic began (if it had not already with the meal) when I saw a gorgeous Southern mansion, ala New Orleans style with wrought iron balconies, brightly colored pink, and mossy oak trees packed in the yard. The patio and trees were covered in white lights, gas lamps lit up the balconies where people were mingling with cocktails. Live jazz filled the air while people walked in and out of a stately gate dressed in suits and cocktail dresses past a security guard.

"Oooh, Dan, this is just what I dreamed the South might be like! I want to go to this party SO badly!!" I jumped up and down. It was a party fit for a movie in New Orleans, the old South, slow-paced, dreamy and elegant. If only I could have crashed.

From then on, I knew I loved Charleston. It was confirmed in the following days as we explored this small city. There are some down sides: only downtown where the wealthy reside and tourists visit is beautiful. You pass Mary St. in the northern part of town and it's run down, decrepit, poverty-stricken, as is much of the state, SC being one of the poorest states in the US. This would make living there frustrating (not because it's poor but because of the dramatic disparagement and inequity of the city, more so than anything I've seen in other US cities. There is literally no more than a couple square miles that are gorgeous and the rest of the entire area is not, other than the islands).

But Charleston is so well-preserved, historical, colorful, clean and uniquely laid out. The homes are stunning. The harbor a welcome outline to this peninsula city (sounds like another city I know?) Wedged into alleys between sleek modern shops (or chains, such as Banana Republic, set in 1700/1800's buildings), was outdoor seating for cafes, gardens, or overgrown graveyards. Palmetto trees everywhere added an exotic Southern island feel while the architecture ranged from New Orleans style to colonial British. Pubs and seafood spots were plentiful. Bookstores and breakfast spots were not. Mystery and history abounded.

Getting caught one night in a wild thunderstorm was as exciting as it was annoying. We stood in a doorway all dressed up, waiting for an abatement. Though only a couple blocks from our hotel, it was raining so hard we were soaked. We took cover after a brilliant meal at Anson (she crab soup! One of my favorite foods of the South; the best shrimp and country ham hominy grits) at the plush Charleston Place hotel in the bar of their restaurant. A lovely jazz duo serenaded us as we drank and ate dessert... and kept laughing. We tried to control our volume in this elegant, wood-walled bar but Dan was acting up, we were both in giddy moods and everything seemed hilarious. I love those times between us - we're like children or overly animated actors who can't contain it.

We stayed in Charleston through October 10, had sweet, cool weather after the storms but it warmed back up to the muggy 80's by the time we left. There were many favorite spots and meals in Charleston. Just exploring the city was pleasure enough. We visited all three islands right outside the city: Mount Pleasant (the best she-crab soup at Locklear's and a divine sweet potato pie at the authentic Gullah Cuisine), Isle of Palms (playued in the ocean, walked the almost deserted beach), Sullivan's Island (enjoyed Fort Moultrie). We drank atop goregous rooftop bars: Vendue Inn for a watermelon margarita on a warm day, and Pavilion Bar atop the Market Pavilion Hotel for a romantic sunset glass of wine. We had a cozy, late night dinner at the Italian, Il Cortile del Re; lunch at the impeccable, scrumptious Magnolia's (best fried green tomatoes!); breakfast at the popular (and justifiably so, after tasting that shrimp & grits casserole) Hominy Grill.

I would return to these beautiful streets and anticipate it with pleasure. Here I found the South I had dreamed of.